"Famous Beer Quotes!" joke

Beer and the quotes it has helped create over the years...
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
-Frank Sinatra
The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.
-William Butler Yeats
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
-Ernest Hemingway
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
-Ernest Hemingway
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
-Dean Martin
Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.
-Anonymous
No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or as good as drink.
-G.K. Chesterton
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
-Catherine Zandonella
Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
-Ambrose Bierce
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
-Anonymous
Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls.
- Ross Levy
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to
thank her.
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
-W.C. Fields
Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.
-Anonymous
If God had intended us to drinkbeer, He would have given us stomachs.
-David Daye
Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
-Oscar Wilde
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
-Henny Youngman
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
-Michelle Mastrolacasa
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
-Tom Waits
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
-Stephen Wright
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven...
-Brian O'Rourke
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it
helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
-Frank Zappa
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol
has taken out of me.
-Winston Churchill
He was a wise man who invented beer.
-Plato
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
-Benjamin Franklin
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
-Deep Thought, Jack Handy
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
-Dave Barry
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
-Humphrey Bogart
Why is Australian beer served cold?
So you can tell it from urine.
-David Moulton
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
-Kaiser Wilhelm
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
-Homer Simpson
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and
oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital
ingredient in beer.
I drink to make other people interesting.
-George Jean Nathan
All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
-Homer Simpson