500 Jokes / Recent Jokes

An Englishman, an American and a Sinhala man are called
upon to test a lie detector. The Englishman says. "I think I can
empty 20 bottles of beer". BUZZZZZZ goes the lie detector. "Ok, 10
bottles". And themachine is silent. The American says. "I think
I can eat 15 hamburgers". BUZZZZZZ goes the lie detector.
"all right, 8 hamburgers". And the machine's silent.
The Sinhala man says: "I think...", BUZZZZZZ goes the
machine.
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Having lost his donkey a Banda, got down to his
knees and started thanking God. A passerby saw him and asked,"Your
donkey is missing; what are you thanking God for?
The Banda replied "I am thanking Him for seeing
to it that I wasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I
would have been missing more...

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa. ” Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500. ” This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question: “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon? ” The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5. 00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer. “Okay, ” says the lawyer, more...

The Bird Question A blonde named Pam is appearing on “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” with Regis Philbin. Regis: “Pam, you’re up to $500, 000 with one lifeline left: phone a friend.
If you get it right, the next question is worth one million dollars. If you get it wrong, you drop back to $32, 000. Are you ready? ” Pam: “Yes. ”
Regis: “Which of the following birds does not build its own nest?
Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush. ”
Pam: “I’d like to phone a friend. I’d like to call Carol. ”
Carol (also a blonde) answers the phone: “Hello? ”
Regis: “Hello Carol, it’s Regis Philbin from Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I have your friend Pam here who needs your help to answer the one million dollar question. The next voice you hear will be Pam’s…”
Pam: “Carol, which of the following birds does not build it’s own nest?
Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush. ” Carol: “Oh geez, more...

I wish I knew who came up with this one! I skewers elements of the famous "San Francisco" culture... Zelda and Jane were given a rottweiler at their commitment ceremony. If their dog needs to be walked two miles a day and they walk at a rate of 3/4 mile per hour, how much time will they spend discussing their relationship in public?
Michael has two abusive stepfathers and an alcoholic mother. If his self-esteem is reduced by 20% per dysfunctional parent, but Michael feels 3% better for every person he denigrates, how long will it take before he's ready to go home if 1 person walks by the cafe every 2 minutes?
Sanjeev has 7 piercings. If the likelihood of getting cellulitis on any given day is 10% per piercing, what is the likelihood Sanjeev will need to renew his erythromycin prescription during the next week?
Chad wants to take half a pound of pot to Orinda and sell it at a 20% profit. If it originally cost him $1, 500 in food stamps, how much should Nicole more...

Just moved to Texas. Now this is a state that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. Mountains and deserts blended together. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air- conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshipper.

June 30th
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th
The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? Too bad it's not a dry heat. Getting used to it is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th
Fell asleep by the pool. Got third-degree burns over 60% more...

A jatt wanted Rs. 10, 000 badly and prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the Rs 10, 000.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, India, they decided to send it to Prime Minister.
The Prime Minister was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the jatt a Rs 500 bill. Prime Minister thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a jatt.
The jatt was delighted with the Rs 500 and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord, which read:
Dear Lord,
Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, Inoticed that for some reason you had to send it through New Delhi and, as usual, those jerks deducted Rs. 9500...

May 30th Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. Mountains and deserts blended together. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here. June 14th Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshipper. June 30th Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here. July 10th The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it's a dry heat. Getting used to it is taking longer than I expected. July 15th Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson more...