Calories Jokes / Recent Jokes

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it far too slowly.
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
Money talks. Chocolate sings.
Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.
Put "eat chocolate" at the top more...

If you`ve got melted chocolate all over your hands, you`re eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution is simple: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It`ll take the edge off your appetite, and you`ll eat less.

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don`t they actually counteract each other?

Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? A. more...

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
If you eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, that is a balanced diet. They actually counteract each other.
Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?
If you can't eat all your more...

The following diet has been circulated at one of the local
clinics. Some may find it stimulating.
BREAKFAST:
---
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz skim milk
LUNCH:
--
4 oz lean Broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed zucchini
1 Oreo Cookie
Herb tea
MID-AFTERNOON SNACK:
--
Rest of package of Oreos
1 qt. rocky road ice cream
1 jar hot fudge
DINNER:
--
2 loaves garlic bread
Large pepperoni & mushroom pizza
Large pitcher beer (any brand - it all comes from the same horse, anyway)
3 Milky Way bars
Entire Sara Lee cheesecake - direct from freezer.
DIET TIPS
If no one sees you eat it - it has no calories.
If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar they cancel
each other out.
When eating with someone else, calories don't count if
you both eat the same amount.
Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts such as:
Hot Chocolate, Brandy, Toast and Sarah Lee more...

Diet for Stress How's your stress level? This should help. It is more than a diet, so read on... This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day.
Breakfast:
1/2 grapefruit 1 slice whole wheat toast 8 oz. skim milk
Lunch: 4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast 1 cup steamed spinach 1 cup herb tea 1 Oreo cookie
Mid-Afternoon snack: The rest of Oreos in the package 2 pints Rocky Road ice cream with nuts, cherries and whipped cream 1 jar hot fudge sauce
Dinner: 2 loaves garlic bread 4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke 1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza 3 Snickers bars
Late Evening News: Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)
Rules for this Diet
1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy jar are canceled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do more...

Don't even fucking say a word. I like potato chips, and can't eat them very much or I'll get fat.
I tried out these Pringles Fat-Free chips because they were super low-cal. BBQ flavor. The whole fuck.
The can said it had 70 calories per serving, which meant the whole can had 490 calories inside total. I could munch through a can in a day with my lunch, dinner, etc. So I got several cans, and began enjoying one a day for the past four days. But what they don't fucking tell you...
Except in tiny print you cant read without a fucking electron microscope
...is that the primary ingredient is something called "olean" which I have since learned is Latin for "Unwashable & Indestructible Ass Grease."
Oh yeah. I'm not even kidding.
So today, while I'm standing in the living room debating whether or not laundry or dishes will get done first, I get the urge to fart. I live alone, so sweet. I let the honk loose and its wrong. Something just sounded more...

Breakfast:
1/2 grapefruit1 slice whole wheat toast8 oz. skim milkLunch:
4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast1 cup steamed spinach1 cup herb tea1 Oreo cookieMid-Afternoon Snack:The rest of Oreos in the package2 pints Rocky Road ice cream nuts, cherries and whipped cream1 jar hot fudge sauceDinner:2 loaves garlic bread4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza3 Snickers barsLate Evening News:Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)Rules for This DietIf you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.Movie-related foods do not have additional calories more...