Candy Jokes / Recent Jokes
On a special teacher's day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shooked it, held it over her head, and said, "I bet I know what it is - flowers!" "That's right!" said the boy, "but how did you know?" "Just a wild guess," she said. The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shooked it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is - a box of candy!" "That's right! But how did you know?" asked the girl. "Just a lucky guess," said the teacher. The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held the bag over her head and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied. The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she more...
A young doctor moved to a small, remote town to replace the elderly doctor who was preparing to retire. When he was making his rounds, the older doctor suggested that the younger one accompany him so the residents could meet him and get used to having a new doctor.
The woman at the first house they visited complained of feeling sick to her stomach.
The older doctor said, "Perhaps you've been overdoing it with the candy and sweets. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left, the younger doctor said, "How on earth did you come to your diagnosis so quickly? You didn't even examine that woman."
"I didn't have to examine her," explained the older doctor. "You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? Well, when I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a lot of candy wrappers in the trash. Most likely, that was what was causing her to feel sick."
"Pretty more...
Do you know if you're in love, lust, or marriage?
Love: When you take a bubble bath together
Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-o together
Marriage: When you give the kids a bath
Love: A romantic candle-light dinner for two
Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?"
Marriage: 4 McDonald's Happy Meals. . . to go
Love: Giving your love some candy
Lust: Thinking you are the candy
Marriage: Scraping the kids' candy off of the carpet
Love: Sex every night
Lust: Sex 5 times a night
Marriage: What's sex?
Love: A night out at the symphony
Lust: A night out at the Holiday Inn
Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice
Love: French perfume
Lust: Brut aftershave
Marriage: "The baby needs changing.. . "
Love: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold
Lust: "I can think of a way to stay warm. . . "
Marriage: Your teenaged daughter has borrowed all of more...
Dear Santa,
I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold 62 cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground, and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter's Girl Scout sash with staples and a glue gun.
I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.
Here are my Christmas wishes:
I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last more...
While I was visiting my sister one evening, I took out a candy dispenser that was shaped like a miniature person. "How does that thing work?" she asked.As I turned the figurine's arm to pop candy out, my sister laughed."I see. .. it's a lot like my husband," she said. "You have to twist his arm to get anything out of him."
Dear Santa,
I’ve been a good mom all year. I’ve fed, cleaned, and cuddled my
two children on demand, visited their doctor’s office more than my
doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant
a shade tree on the school playground, and figured out how to
attach nine patches onto my daughter’s girl scout sash with
staples and a glue gun.
I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases,
since I had to write this letter with my son’s red crayon, on the
back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who
knows when I’ll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.
Here are my Christmas wishes: I’d like a pair of legs that don’t
ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple,
which I already have) and arms that don’t flap in the breeze, but
are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy
aisle in the grocery store. I’d more...
1. Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)
2. Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, "Trick or Treat!" Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.
3. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, "Top Secret" in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, "It's about time you got here," give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.
4. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, "Come in." When they do, have everyone yell, "Surprise!!!" Act like it's a surprise party.
5. Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural "whirring" sound.
6. After you give them candy, hand more...