Cigarette Jokes / Recent Jokes

two golfers out playing golf, dave says to chas can i get a light for my cigarette, sure says chas, in my golf bag. he looks in the golf bag and sees a 12 inch bic lighter, lights his cigarette and asks why such a big lighter, havent u seen my genie replies chas, hes in my golf bag.dave looks in his golf bag and sure enough a genie appears.i am your masters best friend, says dave, can you grant me 1 wish. sure said the genie, and what do you wish for, i wish for a million pounds, said dave . your wish is my command said the genie.next minute one million hounds come running up the golf course towards dave and chas. whats this says dave, i asked for a million pounds not a million hounds, is your genie hard of hearing or what. chas replies, do you honestly think i asked for a twelve inch bic?

As Stated By Women

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

2. Extension to rule - So if you get one, be grateful.

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.

4. Extension to rule -No, I DON'T have to swallow.

5. My ears are NOT handles.

6. Extension to rule - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?

7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.

8. Having my period does not mean that it's hummer week- get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.

9. Extension to - Blue Balls might have worked on high school girls- if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my more...

The young man relaxed on the bed, enjoying a cigarette; his girl friend lay beside him, lost in thought.
"Darling," she said unexpectedly, as girls are wont to do, "let's get married."
The young man took a long drag on his cigarette and without turning said, "Dearest, who would have us?"
I'm going to have a little one," Said the girl, so gay and frisky. And the boyfriend up and fainted (Then she told him she meant whiskey).

you know when i went to your house i steped on cigirate on the floor
then your mum said who turned heating off.

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.

A few guys were having a beer party in the woods. Suddenly, there was a downpour of rain and thunder. Two of the young men ran for at least ten minutes in the pouring rain, and finally reached their car just as the rain let up. They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still drinking beer after beer.
All of a sudden, an old man's face appeared outside the passenger window and he tapped lightly on it! The fellow on the passenger side screamed, "Aaaaah! Look at my window! There's an old guy's face there!!"
The old man kept tapping on the window, so the driver said, "Open the window a crack and ask him what he wants!" The passenger rolled his window down slightly and nervously said, "What do you want?"
"Do you have any cigarettes?" the old man softly asked.
Terrified, the passenger looked at the driver and told him the old man wanted a cigarette.
"Well, give the guy a cigarette more...

Here is a long collection of Rodney Dangerfield's jokes, as a tribute to the great comedian who recently passed away at age 82.


Good crowd.. good crowd. I'm telling you I could use a good crowd. I'm ok now but last week I was in rough shape.. you know.

Why? I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west!
My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

When I was born.. the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father.. "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could.. but he pulled through."
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could more...