Coming Jokes / Recent Jokes
When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple
days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard
some strange noises coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave,
listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony,
being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony,
And it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the
Sixth...the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happenin
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day, he met a girl and fell in love.
When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Soon after, they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he telephoned his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk.
On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans completely overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk, he thought he would walk off any ill effects before he arrived home. So, he went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans.
He farted all the way home. By the time he arrived home, he felt more...
The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused together as they girated to the beat o' love. The woman cocked her ear. "Quick it's my husband coming through the front door. Hide in the bathroom" she cried.
The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door.
"What are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked.
"Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you." she replied with a knowing smile.
"Great" he said "I'll just slip into the bathroom and will be with you in two shakes."
Before she could stop him he was into the bathroom where he found the lover clapping his hand in mid-air.
"Who the devil are you!" the husband demanded.
"I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths." the lover replied.
"But..but you've more...
A recent news story detailed a medical implant which offers women the chance to experience orgasms with the press of a button. Tiny electrodes are implanted into the spine and a small signal generator in the skin close to the groin. The patient then controls the sensation with a handheld remote.
--- Side Effects of the New Orgasm Implant:
~ Dramatic increase in the number of women seen hanging out at Radio Shack.
~ Cosmopolitan magazine folds due to a drastic shortage of orgasm related headlines.
~ Dad: now surfs with two remotes Mom: never complains
~ She never wants to cuddle anymore -- it's click, click, click, and she's out the door.
~ Thanks to a malfunctioning garage door opener, you're looking at $600 bucks to fix the hole your wife kicked in the dashboard of your SUV.
~ The Energizer Bunny keeps coming and coming...
~ "Not tonight, Honey. I have a thumbache."
~ Finally, more...
The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused together as they gyrated to their own tattoo.
The woman cocked her ear, "Quick! My husband's coming through the front door! Hide in the bathroom!" she cried. The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door.
"What are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked. "Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you." she replied with a knowing smile. "Great," he said, "I'll just nip into the bathroom and I'll be with you in two shakes."
Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where he found a man clapping his hands together in mid-air. "Who the devil are you!" the husband demanded. "I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths," the lover replied.
"But..but you've got no more...
An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have sex again - the strain would be too much. The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation. This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs - she's coming downstairs, he's heading up. "Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering. "I was about to commit suicide." "I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "Because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!"