Cream Jokes / Recent Jokes

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetable of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds. And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And Satan brought forth chocolate. And woman gained pounds. And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." And Satan brought forth ice cream. And woman gained pounds. And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them." And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof. And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And Satan more...

An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire. So, they decided to go see their physician to get some help. Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor's office very pleased with the advice. When they got home, the wife said, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write that down so you won't forget?"

"Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!"

"Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you'll forget."

"Don't be silly," replied more...

What is Homer Simpson's favorite ice cream?
Chocolate-chip cookie DOH!

A penguin is driving across the desert when the air conditioning goes out in his car. He rolls the windows down and keeps going until he comes to a service center along the highway. The penguin goes in and begs the mechanic to fix the air conditioning in the car before he dies from the heat. The penguin goes into the convenience store attached to the service center and spies an ice cream cooler in the back of the store. He immediately goes back, walks right into the cooler and closes the door behind him. An hour later he comes out with vanilla ice cream melting on his face and chest. The penguin leaves a twenty on the counter and returns to the service center to check on his car. As he approaches his car he asks the mechanic how things are going. "Well," says the mechanic, "It looks like you blew a seal." The penguin replies, "Oh no, that's just ice cream."

The counter man in the ice cream shop saw a customer leaving the drug store across the way, heading for his shop. The customer entered, set a small Thermos container on the counter, and unwrapped a condom.
“Here, take this condom. Drop a scoop of ice cream in it. ”
The counter man did so, and handed the condom, with its ice cream content, to the customer. The customer placed the arrangement in the Thermos jug, and capped the jug.
“What, ” asked the ice cream purveyor, “Is the reason for that? ”
“For three months, my wife has been bugging me for a deep freeze. Tonight, by golly, I’m going to give it to her! ”

Martha Stewart vs Me...

Martha's way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

Martha's way: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shape pancakes every time.
My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.

Martha's way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in thebag with the potatoes.
My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha's way: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.
My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway?

Martha's more...

Yo Mama is like an ice cream cone... everyone gets a lick!