Empty Jokes / Recent Jokes

Banta walks into a bar for a beer and takes a seat. However, just as the bartender put the beer on the bar, there was a loud disturbance outside. Hey ran out to see what was going on but soon went back to drink his beer.
When he got back he found his glass empty and a note saying: "Thanks for the beer!"
Banta was a little ticked-off but ordered another beer anyway. Again, just as the bartender put the beer down a loud crash was heard in the street. Thinking that someone ran into his parked car, Banta runs outside to check on things. Seeing that his car was okay he returned to the bar and again found his glass empty and another note that said: "Thanks again, this was as good as the first one."
Well he still hadn`t had a beer to quench his thirst, so he ordered another. Just as the bartender put the beer down, a series of shots were heard outside. This time Banta wasn`t going to lose his beer to anybody. So he spit into the beer and left a note saying, more...

Posts empty articles to Usenet, and enjoys rereading them later. Prefers three left turns to one right turn. Pressure's up, but there's a slow leak somewhere. Produces a zero-length core dump. Proof God has a sense of humor. Proof of Einstein's theory that there is no limit to human stupidity. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. Put a lens in each ear and you've got a telescope. Puts a finger in his ear so the draft through his head isn't annoying. Putting his brain on the edge of a razor blade would be like putting a pea on a six lane highway. Qualifies for the mental express line -- five thoughts or less. -- MacNelly Quotes entire letters/articles as responses and hides her one line of wisdom in the middle. Racing fifty yards with a pregnant woman, he'd come in third. Reading from an empty/blank/unformatted disk. Reads her newspaper back-to-front. Reads Homer in the original Greek, but doesn't know Greek. Ready to check in at the HaHa Hilton. Ready to join the Anti-Mensa more...

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: more...

A man was trimming his bushes. His neighbor (the blonde) walks out, checks her mail only to see that its empty, and goes back inside. Five minutes later, she comes back out, checks her mail again only to see that its still empty, and goes back in. The third time she comes out, the man asks her, "Excuse me, is there a problem?"The blonde replies, "Darn right theres a problem! My computer keeps on telling me Ive got mail!"

Familiarity breeds attempt.
Familiarity breeds children.
Far-away talent always seems better than home-developed talent.
Fill what is empty; empty what is full; scratch where it itches.
For every “10? there are 10 “1’s”.
For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill.
For every idiot proof system devised, a new, improved idiot will arise to overcome it.

Tell me something," asked Freddie, "how many cookies can you eat on an empty stomach, Little Johnny?"
Little Johnny scratched his lizard pecker head and said, "Well, five, I think."
"Wrong," said Jon. "You can only eat just one. After that, your stomach isn't empty any more! Gotcha!"
Little Johnny was impressed so he decided to pull the joke on his sister, Judi, when he got home.
"Hey, Sis, how many cookies can you eat on an empty stomach?"
Judi thought for a minute or two (it takes awhile to get those two brain cells to fire together) and said, "Two."
Little Johnny was dejected. "Aw, if you'd said *five* I had a great joke for you!"

A Belgian walked through the forest when he heard a cry for help. He found a dwarf, stuck in a trap. He freed the dwarf, and the dwarf granted him two wishes.
' My first wish' the Belgian said,' is a bottle of beer that will never be empty.'
And flash, there was the bottle. The Belgian opened it, and drank it empty. The next moment, the bottle was full again. The Belgian was very happy.
' What is your second wish? ', the dwarf asked.
The Belgian replied:' I want another bottle'