Empty Jokes / Recent Jokes

Australian Rules Football is, like the games of many countries, a game of spectator devotion. Kids are born as supporters of a team, and die that way. Especially Collingwood supporters.
For example: Friend of mine (yes, one of those sorts of jokes) went to the Grand Final one year. Couldn't find a seat. Went into the Collingwood stand, saw and old bloke sitting next to the empty seat. Went over to him.
"Excuse me, is this seat taken?"
"No, sit down mate"
"How come this seat was empty?"
"Oh I booked two seats, one for me and one for my wife"
"Is she ill or something?"
"No: actually she died last week"
"Oh sorry, I didn't mean to intrude on your grief"
"Its OK. .."
"Why didn't you offer the seat to one of your workmates or family friends?"
"I would have done, but they're all at the funeral"

An 83 year old man went to the doctor for a physical. The doctor pronounced him in fine shape but the old man asked to have a sperm count done. "I don't think that's necessary," said the doctor, but the old man insisted so the doctor gave him an empty bottle and instructed him to fill it up and bring it back the following day. The next day the old man returns with an empty bottle. "What happened?" asked the doctor. "Well", the old man said, "I tried with my right hand, I tried with my left hand, my wife tried with her right hand, she tried with her left hand, she tried with her teeth in, she tried with her teeth out... We never could get the damn lid off the bottle!"

T'was the night before Christmas
I just couldn't sleep.
So I hopped out of bed
and downstairs I did creep.

I went to the kitchen
in search of a bite.
If I filled up my stomach,
perhaps I'd sleep tight.

The cupboard was empty
the fridge, it was bare.
I searched but I couldn't
find food anywhere.

I looked out the window:
Streets covered with snow;
at two in the morning
just where could I go?

I spied my computer,
I just go bootup that.
I'll take me online
for some Christmas Eve chat.

The modem connected
without a delay!
In the blink of an eye,
I'd be chatting away.

But-----no voice bid me "Welcome"
or said: "You've got mail."
And I thought now's a bad time
for my sound card to fail.

My buddy list opened
with not even one name.
Is everyone sleeping?
Well, I'll go play a more...

When you know what Dostoyevsky`s favorite color was.
When you swear the arms on Gagarin`s statue move (see photo).
When you move to Budapest and think you`re in heaven.
When you start thinking of bread as a good mixer for vodka.
When you drink the brine from empty pickle jars.
When you start shopping for products by their country of production
When you go for a walk in the park, Baltika in hand, and its -8 and snowing.
When it doesn`t seem strange to pay a the GAI of $2. 25 for crossing the double line while making an illegal U-turn and $35 for a micro waved dish of frozen vegetables at a lousy restaurant.
When your coffee cups routinely smell like vodka.
When you start to "feel" public transport and bridge opening schedules.
When you know more than 60 Olga’s
When you give you business card to social acquaintances.
When you wear a wool hat in the sauna.
When you put the empty bottle of wine on the floor in a more...

From one Sardar to another:
S-l: "How many rotis can you eat on an empty stomach?"
S-2: "Why four!"
S-l: "Oh, what a fool, once you have taken one roti, you are no more with as empty a stomach as when you started."
S-2 has a hearty laugh at himself.
Not to be outdone, S-2 goes home to confront his missus with the same query as S-l. The missus is very busy mixing atta for the night meal and in disgust, upon the insistence of her Sardar, answers angrily, three rotis.
S-2 is upset. If only the missus had said four there could have been a good joke!

Bill and Hillary were married for 40 years. When they first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage Hillary never looked. However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1874. 25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed.
Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why. That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the cans in the box?" Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. more...

Al Gore was entertaining Joe Leiberman and decided to show off his new home. Upon entering the bedroom, Joe noticed a very large wooden box with 5 empty beer cans and about $1500. 00 in cash.
Out of curiosity, Joe asked "AL, I see you're a beer drinker, I am too! you see, we DO have something in common"
With a condescending voice, Al quipped, " yes, of course we do Joe"
Joe then asked " Al, why the 5 empty cans and all that cash"
Al gladly told Joe about his new program. " Joe, since last month, I have decided to turn a new leaf and become a more accountable person, while at the same time rewarding myself for my efforts. Whenever I tell a lie, I drink a beer and put the can in this box"
"That's really impressive", Joe replied, "only 5 beer cans in a whole month, but tell me, where did all that cash come from"?
Without missing a beat, Al responded, "Whenever the box gets full of beer cans, I more...