Evening Jokes / Recent Jokes
Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.
During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.
A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will dimish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.
Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, more...
A wife, one evening, drew her husband`s attention to the young couple next door and said,
"Do you see those two? How devoted they are? He kisses his young bride every time they meet. Why don`t you do that?"
"I would love to," replied the husband, "but I don`t know her well enough."
===
I am reading a most interesting book about anti-gravity. I just can`t put it down.
===
I don`t buy temporary insanity as a murder defense. Because people kill people. That`s and animal instinct. I think breaking into someone`s home and ironing all their clothes is temporary insanity.
An American, a Frenchman, and a Vietnamese refugee had a discussion about the happiness of life. "To me, happiness is returning home on a Monday evening, having a wonderful dinner prepared by my wife, then slouching on the sofa watching Monday Night Football," the American said. "You Americans are not romantic at all", the French injected, "Spending a lovely evening with my lover, walking along the Seine river, and having a romantic dinner on top of the Eiffel tower. That is happiness of life." "You call those things happiness", the Vietnamese said, "then you two still don't understand life at all. Imagine this. You are sleeping soundly at night in Saigon. Then suddenly you hear loud knocks on your front door. You hear loud voices,' Mr. Nguyen Van Binh, open the door!'. Awaked with fear, you rush out and open the door. Right there, you see two secret policemen ready to handcuff you. One man say to you,' Mr. Nguyen Van Binh, you are under more...
Did you hear about the guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt
to lose weight? He tries the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers,
etc. And none worked. He was reading the paper one day when he noticed a small
ad which read: Lose weight $1.00 a pound. And it simply listed a telephone
number.
Having little to lose the man called the number. A voice on the other end asked,
'How much weight do you want to lose?' to which the man responded, 'Ten pounds.'
The voice replied, 'Very well, put your check in the mail and we'll have a
representative over to your house in the morning.'
About 9:00 the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. Here stands a
beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign around her neck
stating, 'If you catch me you can screw me.' Well the overweight fellow chased
her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house.
Finally he did catch her more...
Q: How is a cat laying down like a coin? A: Because he has his head on one side and his tail on the other! Q: Why are cars longer in the evening than they are in the morning? A: Because they're let out in the evening and taking in in the morning! Q: What cat purrs more than any other? A: Purrsians! Q: How do you spell mousetrap in just three letters? A: C-A-T! Q: Why happened when the cat swallowed a coin? A: There was some money in the kitty! Q: What does a cat call a bowl of mice? A: A purrfect meal! Q: Why did the cat sleep under the car? A: Because she wanted to wake up oily! Q: What did the cat do when he swallowed some cheese? A: He waited by the mouse hole with baited breath! Q: What is another way to describe a cat? A: A heat seeking missile!
The following are actual church bulletin board bloopers found in churches across the United States.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
Evening massage - 6 p. m.
The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8: 30 p. m. Please use the back door.
Ushers will eat latecomers.
The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
For those of you who have children and don`t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The Rev. Merriwether more...
A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.
As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.
As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She looked at him and smiled. "Jeeves," she said. "Take off my dress. "
He did this carefully.
"Jeeves," she continued. "Take off my stockings and garter."
He silently obeyed her.
"Jeeves," she then said. "Remove my bra and panties. "
As he did this, the tension continued to more...