Eye Jokes / Recent Jokes
ODE TO A SPELL CHECKER by Jerrold H ZarI have a spelling checker. It came with my PC. It plane lee marks four my revue Miss steaks aye can knot sea. Eye ran this poem threw it, Your sure reel glad two no. Its vary polished in it's weigh. My checker tolled me sew. A checker is a bless sing. It freeze yew lodes of thyme. It helps me right awl stiles two reed, And aides me when aye rime. Each frays come posed up on my screen Eye trussed too be a joule. The checker pours o'er every word To cheque sum spelling rule. Bee fore a veiling checker's Hour spelling mite decline, And if we're lacks oar have a laps, We wood bee maid to wine. Butt now bee cause my spelling Is checked with such grate flare, Their are know fault's with in my cite, Of nun eye am a wear. Now spelling does knot phase me, it does knot bring a tier. My pay purrs awl due glad den With wrapped word's fare as hear. To rite with care is quite a feet Of witch won should bee proud, And wee mussed dew the best wee can, Sew flaw's more...
A czech guy goes to the eye doctor for a checkup. The doctor points
to a chart on the far wall. It looks like this:
+-------------------------------------------+
| |
| C Z R Y P R N T E C Y Z S |
| |
+-------------------------------------------+
"Can you read that?" he asks the patient.
"READ it?" the guy answers, "Hell, he's my brother-in-law."
A man named Jim was trying to have a yard sale and he was cleaning the front yard but he couldn't find the rake so he motioned to his wife who was upstairs about to get into the shower. He calls out' Where is the rake?' She says' What!' so he points to his eye (I) hits his knee (need) then he makes raking motions she replies by pointing at her eye then grabbing her left breast then she slaps her ass, then rubs her crotch. He immediately runs into his house up the stairs and before he can open his mouth his wife says' eye left tit behind the bush'.
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, more...
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it. What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?" Dam!"What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phonesWhat do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stickWhat do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheeseWhat do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milkWhat do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? FrostbiteWhat has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you? A pool table. Why do bagpipers walk when they play? They're trying to get away from the noise. What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste. What is a polygon? A dead parrot. How do you stop an elephant from charging? Take away its credit cards. What's the difference between boogers and spinach? You can't get kids to eat spinach. What did the horse say when he fell? Ive fallen and I can't giddy up! What do you call someone who doesn't fart in public? A private tutor. more...
Did you hear about the monster with one eye at the back of his head, and one at the front? He was terribly moody because he couldnt see eye to eye with himself.
A man with a wooden eye was sitting at a bar one night. He glanced across the room and noticed a very attractive woman with just one flaw, she had a very large nose. He was very self concious about his eye but got up the nerve to ask her for a dance. "Would you like to dance with me?" he asked. She replied "Would I!", and he sneered and told her,"BIG NOSE!"