Feel Jokes / Recent Jokes

Ms. Nice Guy
"Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't have"
Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday
Old Yeller
"You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans
Sickly
"Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite"
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious
The Bosser
"Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes, Mom
Advantages: more...

Two elderly Wal-Mart greeters were sitting on a bench during break time and one turns to the other saying, "Slim, I'm 73 years old and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age; how do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a new born babe."
Rather amazed at this reply, Slim's co-worker repeats his statement back in the form of a question, "Really? A new born babe?"
"Yup," grins Slim, "No teeth, no hair and I think I just wet my pants."

The 5 toughest questions that women ask men, and the answers...
The questions are:
1.
What are you thinking about?
2.
Do you love me?
3.
Do I look fat?
4.
Do you think she is prettier than me?
5.
What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: a. Baseball. b. Football. c. How fat you are. d. How much prettier she is than you. e. How more...

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for
being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise
money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to
your neighbor. You feel righteous.
A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the
underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you
have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one more...

The 5 toughest questions that women ask men, and the answers...The questions are:1.What are you thinking about? 2.Do you love me? 3.Do I look fat? 4.Do you think she is prettier than me? 5.What would you do if I died? What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: a. Baseball. b. Football. c. How fat you are. d. How much prettier she is than you. e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died. (Perhaps the more...

The following is an excerpt of an article in the April issue of Saturday Night magazine by John Fraser the (now) former editor.
For those who don't know, the province of Ontario has set in place a policy of "zero tolerance" for harassment and discrimination at universities. This excerpt really pokes fun at the potential misuse and abuse of such a policy.
Dear H & D officer,
I am a female graduate student with an alternative lifestyle. Our history department has invited an international scholar named Simon Schama to lecture here next month. The title of his talk is "Dykes and Discord: The role of land reclamation in 17th century Dutch domestic policy." Posters have been plastered all over our campus, causing snickering, and I have been made to feel uneasy. Does the FRAMEWORK have any remedy?
You bet it does! There is "zero tolerance" for anything that makes you feel a loss of self-esteem, and the FRAMEWORK clearly states the "visitors more...

Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up having sex with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."

"NO!!!" exclaimed the nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!"