Feel Jokes / Recent Jokes

We know that you would give your life for us. Promise!

When you pass away and people ask me what the cause of your death was, I'll say it was your stupidity.

Well, I'll see you in my dreams -- if I eat too much.

Hey, I remember you when you had only one stomach.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.

Let's play horse. I'll be the front end and you be yourself.

I'll never forget the first time we met -- although, I'll keep trying.

You are not the worst person in the world, but until one worse comes along, you'll do.

If I were as ugly as you are, I wouldn't say hello, I'd say boo!

I feel sorry for you because you are so homely, but I feel even sorrier for other people because they have to look at you.

Yours is a prima facie case of ugliness. And your body is ugly, too.

I know one should judge a man by what he really is instead of by more...

Two animals meet in the woods, both blind since birth. Neither one knows what kind of animal it is, so they decide to feel each other to try to figure it out.
"What do I feel like," the first animal asked. "You have soft fur all over you, strong back legs, big back feet, a puffy little cotton tail, two long ears, and a twitchy little nose." The first animal, full of joy, exclaimed, "I know what I am! I'm a bunny rabbit."
"Now it's my turn," said the second animal. The bunny felt him, describing, "You're very long, narrow, and low to the ground. You're cold, and slimy. You have long, sharp fangs and a little forked tongue that keeps darting out of your mouth."
"Damn," sobbed the second animal. "I'm a lawyer."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said,"Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!"The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts more...

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up as it sometimes does.
But then the wife suddenly stops and says "I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me." "WHAT!?" says her husband. The wife explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. He realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
The next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can’t decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. They head to the shoe department and pick up matching shoes worth $200 each.
The pair go to the jewelry department where she finds a set of diamond earrings that her husband agrees to buy for her. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out - but she doesn’t care. She goes for the matching tennis bracelet. The husband says "You don’t even play more...

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Atlanta.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hootch and get completely smashed.
The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. Its Jim.
Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Bud says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, well there's just one more...

A Train is about to crash. A frantic virgin strips off and says:" Can anyone make me feel like a woman before I die?" So a man takes off his clothes and say, "Iron these!"

Before - You take my breath away.
After - I feel like I'm suffocating.
Before - Twice a night.
After - Twice a month.
Before - She loves the way I take control of a Situation.
After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac.
Before - Ricky & Lucy.
After - Fred & Ethel.
Before - Saturday Night Live.
After - Monday Night Football.
Before - He makes me feel like a million dollars.
After - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...
Before - Don't Stop.
After - Don't Start.
Before - The Sound of Music.
After - The Sound of Silence.
Before - Is that all you are eating?
After - Maybe you should just have a salad, honey.
Before - Wheel of Fortune.
After - Jeopardy.
Before - It's like living a dream.
After - It's a nightmare.
Before - $60/dozen.
After - $1. 50/stem.
Before - Turbocharged.
After - Needs a jump-start
Before - We agree on more...