Flying Jokes / Recent Jokes

Lazzy Airlines
-Passengers on a Lazzy flight heard this announcement from the captain:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean"
The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation but were somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement. "Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lazzy Airlines have prepared for such an emergency and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the swimmers are on the right side of the plane"
After this announcement all the pasengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captain's request. Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean.
The captain once again made an annoucement: "Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean. All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane, open your emergency exits and more...

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker:' Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!'

' Should the cabin loose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please, place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children.'

' As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please, do not leave children or spouses.'

' Thank you for flying Southwest Airlines. Last one off the plane must clean it.'

' Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. At Southwest Airlines we are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!'

' Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like more...

A man has an hour to kill before his flight to Los Angeles. He decides to kill some time at an airport bar. He walks in and sits down next to a clearly nervous guy, who has three empty whisky glasses in front of him. The man introduces himself to the nervous guy, and buys him a drink. The man asks, “Nervous about flying? ”
The nervous guy replies, “N-n-nervous? I’m t-terrified. I just know the p-plane is g-going t-to crash and we’re g-going to d-die. ”
“Is this your first time flying? ”
“N-no, I fly c-cross-c-country all the t-time. It’s m-my job. ”
“Why don’t you just ask your boss if you can drive cross- country? ”
“H-he would never l-let me do that”
“Why not? ” asks the man.
The nervous guy replies, “B-because, I’m the p-pilot. ”

A woman had to do a lot of long distance travelling for her business. Having a strong fear of flying, she always made it a point to take her Bible along to read as she found it helped to relax her.
One day she found herself seated next to a man who gave a little chuckle when he saw her pull out her Bible and begin reading. After a while he turned to her and asked, "You don't actually believe all the stuff you read in there, do you?" "Yes, of course. It's the Bible," she replied.
"Then what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?" the man asked. "You mean Jonah. Yes, I believe that. It's in the Bible," she answered.
"So, how do you suppose he was able to survive all that time inside the whale?" asked the man. "I'm really not sure. I suppose when I get to heaven, I'll ask him," was her reply.
"And, if he's not in heaven?" asked the man, sarcastically.
"Then, you can ask him!" the more...

Real stories from Flight Attendants apologizing for rough transport on the airlines...
From a disgruntled Southwest Airlines employee....
"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
United Airlines FA: more...

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines fromKansas to Chicago. The son, who had been looking out thewindow, turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs havebaby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planeshave baby planes?" The mother, who couldn't think of ananswer, told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boyasked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and bigcats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy said that she had. She then said, "Tell your motherthat Southwest always pulls out on time."

After sixty years of marriage an elderly couple were enjoying the evening, swinging on the front porch and looking at the beautiful sunset.
After a few minutes the ol' lady reaches over and knocks the hell out of the ol' man who goes flying off the porch and into the bushes. The ol' man slowly gets up and makes his way back to his seat next to his wife on the swing.
He sits there for a few minutes and then asks, "What was that for, Ma?"
She replies: "That's for having such a small pecker!"
A few more minutes go by and the ol' man reaches over and knocks the hell out of his wife, who also goes flying off the porch and into the bushes. She slowly gets up and makes her way back to her seat next to Pa.
She sits there a minute and then asks, "What was that for, Pa?"
He replies, "That's for knowing there was more than one size."