Guests Jokes / Recent Jokes

Guests are like fish, they both start to stink after a day or two.

A Manali hotel reassures guests about the drinking
water.

The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
A hotel in Haridwar advises its guests.

It is forbidden to steal hotel towels please, and politely adds: If you are not a person to do such a thing, please not to read notice.

A Mumbai hotel concerned about morals advises: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
A notice in a Bangalore pub states:

Ladies are requested not to have children in the pub.

A sign at a Nainital campsite warns:

It is strictly forbidden on our campsite that people of different sex, for instance men and women, live together in one tent, unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

Hi Erma,
This perfectly delightful note is being sent on paper I made myself to fill you in on what I've been up to. Since it snowed during the night, I got up early and made a sled out of old barn wood and a glue gun. I hand painted it in gold leaf, got out my loom, and made a blanket in peaches and mauves. Then to make the sled complete, I made a white horse to pull it, from DNA that was just sitting around my craft room.
By then, it was time to start making the place mats and napkins for my 20 breakfast guests. I'm serving the old standard Stewart twelve-course breakfast. I'll let you in on a little secret though - I didn't have time to make the tables and chairs this morning, so I used the ones I had on hand.
Prior to moving the table into the dining room, I decided to add just a touch of the holidays. So, I repainted the room in pinks and stenciled gold stars on the ceiling. Then, while the homemade bread was rising, I took antique candle molds and made the dishes to more...

Little Johnny and his family lived in the country, and as a result seldom had guests. He was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office.

When the dinner was nearly over, Little Johnny went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father who passed it to a guest. Little Johnny came in with a second piece of pie and gave it to his father, who again gave it to a guest.

This was too much for Little Johnny, who said, "It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size."

During an hour's swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 liter of urine.
In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles, etc.)
Remote controls in hotels are the worst! (Always carry your Lysol spray!)
An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.
In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects - while you slept!
Annually you will shake hands with 6 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
Annually you will shake hands with 11 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
In a lifetime 22 nosey workmen doing work in your home, will have examined the contents of your dirty laundry basket. We won't even go into guests
snooping in your medicine cabinet.
At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests. Mouth herpes.
Daily you will breathe in 1 liter of other more...

Monday, 9:00 a.m.
Hi Loretta,
This perfectly delightful note is being sent on paper I made myself
to tell you what I have been up to. Since it snowed last night, I got
up early and made a sled with old barn wood and a glue gun. I
handpainted it in gold leaf, got out my loom, and made a blanket in
peaches and mauves. Then to make the sled complete, I made a white
horse to pull it from DNA that I just had sitting around in my craft
room.
By then, it was time to start making the place mats and napkins for
my 20 breakfast guests. I'm serving the old standard Stewart
twelve-course breakfast, but I'll let you in on a little secret: I
didn't have time to make the table and chairs this morning, so I used
the ones I had on hand.
Before I moved the table into the dining room, I decided to add
just a touch of the holidays. So, I repainted the room in pinks and
stenciled gold stars on the ceiling. Then, while the homemade more...

Pauly was a delightful parrot that everyone enjoyed talking to, and he
took special pleasure in socializing with the guests at his owners'
frequent cocktail parties. People loved to talk with him and feed him
goodies; indeed, he was often seen as the life of the party.
He had one failing, however; Pauly was a horny little devil. He had a
bad habit of going across the road and terrorizing the chickens that the
neighbor kept. He was a fowl rapist. Often times his owner would have to
make excuses to the neighboring farmer when Pauly had been up to no good.
A particularly egregious incident of chicken screwing really landed
Pauly in hot water. His owner said to him, "I just don't know what to do
with you! I've threatened you, I've pleaded with you, I've punished you,
but nothing I can do seems to keep you out of the chicken house. So, I'm
going to try one last thing: I'm going to humiliate you. Tonight, you'll
not be more...