Hanukkah Jokes / Recent Jokes
Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married,
Happy Chanukah to you, and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I've sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my grandchildren. G-d knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.
Thank you so much for the birthday flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me -- we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral, so Aunt Berta and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come. I bet she's never even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she?
Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to more...
To: All Holiday Participants
Re: Chrismukah
Subject: UNEXPECTED MERGER
Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works about 1300 years.
While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.
Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a- milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreidel, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider more...
A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Hanukkah cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Hanukkah stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The woman says, "Oh my God. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform."
~ No roof damage from reindeer.
~ Never a silent night when you're among your Jewish loved ones.
~ If someone screws up on their gift, there are seven more days
to correct it.
~ Betting Hanukkah gelt (the chocolate coins) on candle races.
~ You can use your fireplace.
~ Naked spin-the-dreidel games.
~ Fun waxy buildup on the menorah.
~ No awkward explanations of virgin birth.
~ Cheer optional.
~ No Irving Berlin songs.
~ There's no "Donny & Marie Chanukah Special."
~ Eight days of presents (in theory, anyway).
~ No need to clean the chimney.
~ There's no latke-nog.
~ Burl Ives doesn't sing Chanukah songs.
~ You won't be pressured to buy Chanukah Seals.
~ You won't see, "You're a Putz, Charlie Brown."
~ No barking dog version of "I had a Little Driedl."
~ No pine needles to vacuum up afterwards.
~ Blintzes are cheaper to mail than fruitcakes.
The Eight Days of Hanukkah
On the first night of Hanukkah my true love gave to me
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the second night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the third night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the fourth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
4 potato latkes
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the fifth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
5 bowls of chicken soup
4 potato latkes
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the sixth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
6 pickled herrings
5 bowls of chicken soup
4 potato latkes
3 pounds of corned beef
2 more...
I received this bulletin today and thought I should pass it on in time to save
everyone the embarrassment of making passe, partisan holiday plan faux pas.
RE: Chrismukah
Subject: UNEXPECTED MERGER
Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was
announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge.
An industry source said that the deal had been in the works about 1300 years.
While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the over-
head cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was
becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the
world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the
Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.
Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being
the hardest more...
Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, itwas announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah willmerge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works about 1300 years. While details were not available at press time, it is believed that theoverhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called. Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milkingbeing the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," themessage on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous more...