Herself Jokes / Recent Jokes

A blond walks into a Sperm Donor Center and says "Mmm mm mmm mmm mm".
The nurse asks her to repeat herself.
"Mmm mm mmm mmm mm"!
Again, the nurse asks her to repeat herself. The blond spits out what she has in her mouth, "I want to make a donation!"

The story takes place in a Christian school. The teacher asks the question, "What part of your body gets to heaven first?" Three students raise their hand, Jenny, Jim, and little Johnny in the back. The teacher thinks to herself, "I dont want to call on Johnny cause he will say something bad." So she picks on Jenny first who says, "I think your head gets to heaven first cause you have to be smart." The teacher then calls on Jim who says, "I think your heart gets to heaven first cause you gotta have a good heart." Finally Johnny is the only one with his hand up. The teacher says to herself "Oh no, I gotta pick Johnny." She picks him and he says, "I think your feet get to heaven first." The relieved teacher asks him, "Why on earth do you think your feet get to heaven first?" Johnny says, "Cause I walked into my Mom and Dad's room last night and my mom's feet were straight up in the air and she was shouting' Oh more...

One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we`ve never once had an executive make it this far and we`re not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in." said the woman.
"Well, I`d like to, but I have higher orders. What we`re going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I`ve made up my mind... I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself more...

A man and woman are seated next to each other on a plane. After takeoff, the woman violently sneezes and excuses herself to go to the bathroom...so the man stands up to let her out.
She returns, and 15 minutes later she sneezes again big time, and again excuses herself to go to the bathroom.
She returns again, and immediately sneezes, excusing herself to go to the bathroom.
The man, a little tired of jumping up so often...asks her: "You keep sneezing, what's the problem?"
The woman replies: "I have a rare condition...every time I sneeze I have an orgasm."
He says, "Oh... what are you taking for it?"
She says: "Pepper."

A blonde began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.
The blonde approached and asked if she was all right.
The girl said she was.
A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"
The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, the blonde then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"
"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"

A man and woman are seated next to each other on a plane. After takeoff, the woman violently sneezes and excuses herself to go to the bathroom...so the man stands up to let her out.She returns, and 15 minutes later she sneezes again big time, and again excuses herself to go to the bathroom.She returns again, and immediately sneezes, excusing herself to go to the bathroom.The man, a little tired of jumping up so often...asks her: "You keep sneezing, what's the problem?"The woman replies: "I have a rare condition...every time I sneeze I have an orgasm."He says, "Oh... what are you taking for it?"She says: "Pepper."

Age 8: Looks at herself and sees; Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty Age 15: Looks at herself and sees; Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty/Movie Star, or if she is PMS-ing; sees pimples/ugly ("Mom I can't go to school like this!") Age 20: Looks at herself and sees; "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly" - but she decides she is going out anyway. Age 30: Looks at herself and sees; "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly" - but decides she doesn't have time to fix it so she's going out anyway. Age 40: Looks at herself and sees; "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly" -but says, "At least, I'm clean" and goes out anyway. Age 50: Looks at herself and sees; "I am" - and goes wherever she wants to. Age 60: Looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can't even see themselves in the mirror anymore; goes out and conquers the world. Age 70: Looks at herself and sees more...