Herself Jokes / Recent Jokes
Age 8:
Looks at herself and sees Cinderella / Sleeping Beauty etc.
Age 15:
Looks at herself and sees Cinderella / Sleeping Beauty / Cheerleader or if she is PMS'ing: sees Fat / Pimples / UGLY ("Mom, I can't go to school looking like this!")
Age 20:
Looks at herself and sees "too fat / too thin, too short/ too tall, too straight / too curly" - but decides she's going anyway.
Age 30:
Looks at herself and sees "too fat / too thin, too short / too tall, too straight / too curly" - but decides she doesn't have time to fix it so she's going anyway.
Age 40:
Looks at herself and sees "too fat / too thin, too short / too tall, too straight / too curly" - but says, "At least, I'm clean," and goes anyway.
Age 50:
Looks at herself and sees "I am" and goes where ever she wants to.
Age 60:
Looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can't even see themselves in the mirror more...
Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made thedecision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, shecalled her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
"On awoman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
There were two guys at a bar. One of them was rich and the other was poor. They both start talking and they find out their anniversary is on the same day, which is tomorrow.
Poor guy- "What did you get your wife?"
Rich Guy- "I got her a diamond ring and a Mercedes Benz."
Poor guy- "Why did you give her those??"
Rich Guy- "Because if she doesn't like the ring she can run the car off a cliff and go screw herself. What did you get your wife?"
Poor guy- "A pair of slippers and a dildo"
Rich Guy- "Why did you give her those??"
Poor guy- "Because if she doesn't like the slippers she can go screw herself!"
A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are more...
One day while walking down the street a highly successful HR director was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St Peter himself. “Welcome to Heaven, ” said St Peter. “Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we’ve never once had a human resources director make it this far and we’re not really sure what to do with you. ” “No problem, just let me in, ” said the woman. “Well, I’d like to, ” replied St Peter, “but I have higher orders. What we’re going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in. ” “Actually, I think I’ve made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven, ” said the woman. “Sorry, we have rules…” And with that St Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out more...
One day while walking down the street a highly successful partner in a law firm was fatally stuck by a bus. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was greated at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, oddly enough, we've never once had an law firm partner make it this far and we're not quite sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind... I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the law partner in an express elevator to hell.
The doors more...