Hit Jokes / Recent Jokes

There once was this Vietnam vet who still occasionally had very vivid flasbacks. The man worked as a dentist and one day, he was doing a normal check-up, when a flashback hit him. He went crazy and repeatedly stabbed the patient. Needless to say, he was fired and needed another job.
The vet tried to think of places that wouldn't ask too many questions, so he walked down to the local McDonald's and applied for a position. They hired him and the first few weeks went well. But one day he was cooking a cheeseburger when another flashback hit him and he stabbed the hamburger into pulp. One of his co-workers turned and asked him with one question: "Are you a dentist?"

Farmer John was injured when a truck hit his pick-up, and he filed a lawsuit against the driver who hit him. When the case went to trial, the truck driver's big city lawyer questioned farmer John."After the accident, did you not say to the sheriff's deputy,' I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer.
Farmer John answered, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...."
"I did not ask you about your mule," the lawyer interrupted, "I asked you about your statement to the sheriff's deputy. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,' I'm fine'?"
Farmer John answered, "Like I was saying, I loaded Bessie into the trailer, and I hitched it to my pick-up truck...."
The lawyer angrily turned to the judge. "Your honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the sheriff's deputy on the scene that he was just fine. Now, many months after the more...

I was getting into my car when I noticed a dent. On the windshield was a note and a phone number from the driver. "I feel terrible," the woman apologized when I called. "I hit your car as I was pulling into the next parking spot."
"Please, don't worry," I said to her. "I'm sure our insurance companies will take care of everything."
"Thank you for your understanding," she said. "You're so much nicer than the man I hit on the way out."

A magician was on stage doing his act, when he called for a volunteer from
the audience. A man volunteered and went up on stage. The magician told him
to pick up the 16 pound sledgehammer that was on stage next to a cement
block and break the block apart with the sledgehammer so the audience would
know the sledgehammer was real.

So, the man swung the sledgehammer with all his might and shattered the
cement block. The magician now told the man to hit him square in the face
with the sledgehammer.

Horrified, the man said, "No way. It'll probably kill you".

The magician insisted that the man hit him in the face, saying, "I'll be
fine. I promise you. Go ahead."

"Well,", the man replied, "Ok, here goes."

Again, the man swung the sledgehammer and aimed it at the magician's face.
The result was very bloody. The magician's nose was crushed, teeth fell
out more...

Years of Bad Sex
A man and his wife of more than 50 years were rocking back and forth on the front porch. Slowly they rocked in rhythm, as this was their time to spend a few quiet moments and after years of practice they rocked to the same pace.
Suddenly the wife stopped, grabbed her cane, and with a loud and hard WHACK hit her husband across the shins.
His eyes watered and tears ran down his cheeks. When he finally caught his breath he gasped and asked, "What'd you do that for?""
"That's for fifty years of bad sex," she said.
He nodded his head, but said nothing. Slowly they began to rock again. Again they kept pace. Back and forth, back and forth they rocked, until suddenly the man stopped, and picked up his cane. He reached over and with a loud, sharp WHACK, he hit his wife across the shins.
As soon as her eyes quit watering and she could speak she asked, "What was that for?"
That," said her husband as he more...

Joe loved golf, but his eyesight had gotten so bad, that he couldn’t find his ball once he’d hit it. He consulted with his wife, and she recommended that Joe bring along her uncle Ted.
Joe said, “But Ted is 80 years old and half senile! ”
His wife replied, “Yes, but his eyesight is incredible. ”
Joe finally agreed and took Ted along. He teed off and could feel that he had hit it solidly. He asked Ted, “Do you see it? ”
Ted nodded his head and said, “Boy, that was a beautiful shot! ”
Joe excitedly asked, “Well, where did it land?! ”
Ted said, “Hmmm. I forget. ”

This guy calls his wife at work and says, "Don't worry, I'm fine and the damage is minimal."
She says, "Oh my gosh, what happened?"
He says, "I was coming back from lunch and a bird hit my car windshield."
"How much damage did it do?" she asked.
"Minimal, however I did get a ticket."
"A ticket how did you get that?"
"Well, I managed to reach the bird through the window and throw it behind me, however it hit the windshield of the car behind me. It was a highway patrol car and the officer gave me a ticket."
"What for?" she asked, "Damaging his windshield?"
"No, for flipping him the bird!"