Instead Jokes / Recent Jokes

Euro-English The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as Euro-English (Euro for short). In the first year, 's' will be used instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard 'c' will be replaced with 'k.' Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced by 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20 per sent shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments more...

A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the gates of heaven - others, though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.

After watching Satan do this several times, the fellows curiosity got the better of him. So he strolled over and tapped Satan on the shoulder.

'Excuse me, Prince of Darkness,' he said.' Im waiting in line for judgment, but I couldnt help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?'' Ah, those...' Satan said with a groan.' They're all from Seattle; theyre too wet to burn!'

You Might Be Addicted to AOL if........ Tech Support calls "You" for help...... Someone at work tells you a joke and you say LOL..... You have called out someone's screen name while making love to your significant other...... You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out"..... you have to get a second phone line just so you can call Domino's..... you've ever typed "drinking on AOL is better than drinking alone"..... you have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it..... you no longer type with proper punctuation, capitalization, or complete sentences..... you begin to say heh heh heh instead of laughing..... when someone says "What did you say?" you reply "Scroll up!"..... you sneak away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep...... you know more about your AOL friends daily routines than you do your own family's...... you lie to others about your time on-line and when they more...

Quotes about computers and software and other things

' Unix was not designed to stop people from doing stupid things, because that would also stop them from doing clever things.' --Doug Gwyn

'True research is like fumbling in the dark for the right switches. Once you've turned the light on everyone can see...' -- unknown

'An idiot with a computer is a faster, better idiot' -- Rich Julius

'The C Programming Language - A language which combines the flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language.'

'Pascal - A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.'

PROGRAM - n. - A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input into error messages. v. tr.- To engage in a pastime similar to banging one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.

'Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not more...

Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home well inebriated around midnight. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit in the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But Harry just continued his nightly routine.
One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior and was particularly distraught by it all.
Her friend said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then he might change his ways."
The wife thought this might be a good idea. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. At about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. more...

You understand a lot of Tagalog, but can hardly speak it. Make fun of your parents' accents. As a child, you were totally embarrassed to eat spaghetti with sliced hot dogs in it. Now, there is absolutely no way you will eat spaghetti without the hot dogs. In fact, you suggest to your non-Filipino friends that hot dogs make spaghetti taste better. As a child, you hated being Filipino. Now, you wear Pinoy Pride T-shirts. You still wear Tsinelas (slippers). You still take off your shoes when entering a house. (Southern California) You've ever lived in Baldwin Park, Carson, Cerritos, the ghetto part of L. A., West Covina, Walnut or Diamond Bar. (Northern California) You've ever lived in Union City. You don't steal things (e. g., towels, soaps, tissues, cups) from hotel rooms like your parents did. And when you do take things, you deny that the action is not a Filipino trait. You don't care if a T-shirt was made in the Philippines or the USA. As long as it has a designer label on it, more...

- The first 15 channels on your cable are dedicated to stage show mujras

- You buy anything and everything from Al-Fatah

- Your uncivilized next door neighbor just bought a BMW because he deals in property

- A really souped up Civic stops next to you and instead of a groovy exhaust sound, the woofers blare out an Abrar number

- At least one of your friends is a Butt

- All directions start with, "Go down to Main Boulevard"

- You think it `s okay to wait 5 hours in the queue for Bashir `s Fish in Mozang because he only opens 6 months in the year

- Its quite all right to run a red light if the traffic policeman doesn `t have a bike to chase you

- When someone asks you ` `Bhai yeh Fortress kahaan hai? ` `, you spread an evil grin on your face and send him to Johar Town

- If you are hungry at 3 in the morning, you go to Coffee Tea & Co in your pyjamas instead of walking to your more...