Insult Jokes / Recent Jokes

Hilarious insults, relating to a variety of different topics.

A collection of insults! I hear you are a real humanitarian. You have kept three or four detectives working regularly.

I hear you are connected to the Police Department -- by a pair of handcuffs.

Hello -- tall, dark and obnoxious!

You remind me of the ocean -- you make me sick.

You should have been born in the Dark Ages; you look terrible in the light.

All of your ancestors must number in the millions; it's hard to believe thatmany people are to blame for producing you.

Ever since I saw you in your family tree, I've wanted to cut it down.

I hear that when you were a child your mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you, but the Mafia wanted too much.

They just invented a new coffin just for you that goes over the head. It's for people who are dead from the neck up.

After hearing you talk, I now know that the more...

You’re so stupid that when police tell you you broke the speed limit, you offer to fix it. You’re so stupid, your mother told you to go buy a color television and you asked, “What color? ” You’re so stupid that when your crack was stolen, you reported it to the police! You’re so stupid, you need a recipe to boil water. You’re so stupid, you stuck a battery up your butt and said, “I got the power. ” You’re so stupid you threw a quarter and thought the eagle on it would fly.

If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!

Witty insults, relating to a variety of different topics.

A collection of insults! Would you like to replace my business partner who died this morning? I'll arrange it with the undertaker.

People say that you are outspoken, but not by anyone that I know of.

Your conversation is like the waves of the sea. It makes me sick!

We can always tell when you are lying. Your lips move.

When you get to the men`s room, you will see a sign that says, "Gentlemen." Pay no heed to it. Go right on in.

The only things you ever make are mistakes and cigarette ashes.

You always manage to keep your neck above water. We can tell by the color of it.

All that you are you owe to your parents. Why don't you send them a penny and square the account?

I heard you have hair on your chest, and that`s not your only resemblance to Rin Tin Tin.

No one should be punished for accident of birth, but you more...

You’re so poor that when I went to your house and used the bathroom, a rat tripped me and a cockroach took my wallet. You’re so poor you had to fart in your pocket to make a scent. You’re so poor you DJ for the ice cream truck. You’re so poor you’re always talking about the time you almost ate at a restaurant! You’re so poor, your version of cable TV is to go outside, watch he police and call it “Cops. ” You’re so poor, the only time you go to the grocery store is for free samples!

Perfect percussionist for an acapella group (duh, duh, duh…)
Perfect training subject for apprentice hypnotists.
Permanently out to lunch.
Permanently rotated 90 degrees from the rest of us.
Phototrophic on a better day.
Pins 2 and 3 (RS-232) permanently connected to ground.
Playing an endgame with a king and no other pieces.
Playing baseball with a rubber bat.
Playing hockey with a warped puck.
Playing Scrabble, but we can’t figure out what words he’s building.
Plays pinochle with a poker deck.
Plays solitaire… for cash.
Plays tennis with no net and finds it challenging.
Plenty of myelin but not enough neurons.
Plenty of salt in the shaker, but no holes in the cap.

If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's invulnerable.