Jack Jokes / Recent Jokes

Jack was a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. After years of being taken for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the Client/Server programmers and website developers, he was finally getting some respect. He'd become a private consultant specializing in Year 2000 conversions.Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll on Jack. He began having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000. All he could think about was how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it.Jack decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics. He made a deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000. The next thing he would know is he'd wake up in the year 2000; after the New Year celebrations and computer debacles; after the leap day. Nothing else to worry about except getting on with his life.He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum, and more...

July 18 I just tried to connect to America Online.
I've heard it is the
best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd better
hold onto it in case they don't ever send me anther one! I can't connect.
I don't know what is wrong.
July 19 Some guy at the tech support center says my
computer needs a
modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think
I am?
July 22 I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it
goes. It wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.
July 23 I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year
old next door did it for me. But it still doesn't work. I can't get online.
July 25 That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America
Online
for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says that's
just another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and he does these
services for people. Anyway he's smarter more...

JACK & JILL WENT UP THE HILL TO SMOKE SOME MARJUANA JACK GOT HIGH POPED HIS FLY & JILL SAID YA I WANNA JILL LIFTED UP HER SCURT AND DID THE HANKY PANKY. STUPID JILL FORGOT THE PILL AND OUT POPED LITTLE FRANKY.

Jack was a grumpy old man, who like's visiting pubs. He loved to tell people in the pub of all his belongings.
One night, old Jack went to a local pub. As the night get older, Jack get's drunker.
One of the locals there, offered him a lift to his house.
He invited the man into the house. Jack asks the man, "Do you see that lamp?"
"Yes" the man replied.
"Well, that's mine. Do you see that carpet?"
"Yes."
"Well that's mine."
Old Jack show the man everything and make him aware of all his belongings. They finally came to the bedroom.
"Do you see that bed?"
"Yes."
"Well, that's mine."
"Do you see that women on the bed?"
"Yes."
"Well, that's mine."
"Do you see the man next to her?"
"Yes Jack, I see!"
"Well, that's me."

Two couples had gone away for the weekend. The two guys, Jack and Bill, have decided to try to persuade their wives to do a bit of partner swapping for the night. After several drinks that night they succeed.
Jack knows it's that time of the month for his wife and the thought of Bill not knowing this makes him smile.
The guys agreed that when they sit around the breakfast table the following morning, they will tap their teaspoons on the side of their coffee mug the number of times that they did it with each other's wives.
The next morning they are all at the breakfast table, slightly hung over and quite uncomfortable, when Jack proudly taps his teaspoon 3 times against his coffee mug.
After a brief moment of thinking, Bill takes his teaspoon and taps it once on the strawberry jam and 3 times on the peanut butter!

You might be a redneck if...
When you put your hunting boots on you only get them on the right feet 50% of the time.
Your idea of a neighborhood watch program is tuning into "America's Most Wanted".
You own more than two clappers.
You go to Wal-Mart to people watch.
You recycle enough Copenhagen lids to buy Christmas presents.
Your lawn mower has more horsepower than your wife's car, but no blade.
You roll your pickup truck and laugh about it.
You think the blood on the front of your pickup truck looks cool.
You think the blood on the back of your pickup truck looks cool.
Your pickup truck no longer has a back.
The worst day of your life was when you dropped your bottle of Jack Daniels the other day.
The best day of your life was when you found an unopened bottle of Jack Daniels "over yonder in them hills."
Your mustache is longer than your wife's hair.
Cruise control in your truck involves fishing line, a more...

Children were called upon in a classroom to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled when Jack raised his hand to participate. She gave him the words 'defeat', 'deduct', 'defence' and 'detail'. Jack stood seriously for a while with all eyes focused on him awaiting his reply.
"Defeat of Deduct went over defence before detail!"