Jack Jokes / Recent Jokes
Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside.The Pastor said to him, 'You need to join the Army of the Lord!'Jack replied, 'I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.'Pastor questioned, 'How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?'He whispered back, 'I'm in the secret service.'
Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder says, "Not too bad, the latest album's gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it's pretty good. By the way, how's the golf?"
Nicklaus replies, "Not too bad. I m not winning as much as I used to but I'm still making a bit of money. I had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that worked out now."
"I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right," says Stevie.
"You play golf!?" asks Jack.
Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years."
"But I thought you're blind! How can you play golf if you are blind?" Jack asks.
"I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball more...
Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following took place.
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money."
Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following took place."It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?""Probably that I married you for your money."
Jack was living in Arizona, during a heat wave, when the following took place.
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained Jack, as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money."
Kids Say The Darnest Things
TEACHER: Jack, how old are you on your last birthday?
JACK: 7 years old
TEACHER: How old are you going to be on your next birthday?
JACK: 9 years old
TEACHER: That's impossible!
JACK: No it's not. I'm 8 today.
TEACHER: Mike, go to the map and show me where America is.
MIKE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Good. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Mike! !!
TEACHER: Didn't you promise to behave?
STUDENT: Yes sir.
TEACHER: And didn't I promise to punish you when you misbehave?
STUDENT: Yes sir. But since I didn't keep my promise, you don't need to keep yours.
COOL STUDENT: Teacher would you punish me for something I didn't do?
TEACHER: No.
COOL STUDENT: Good' cos I didn't do my homework.
TEACHER: Alfred, name one important thing that we have today and we don't 10 years ago.
ALFRED: Me! !!
TEACHER: Are you chewing gum?
BILLY: No. I'm Billy Anderson.
TEACHER: more...
Jack was returning to work Monday morning with two black eyes. His work mates were understandably curious:
"Jack, what happened to you?!?"
"It was the darndest thing! I was at church yesterday, and this fat lady stood up in front of me. You know how a dress can get stuck in the crack of the ass of a fat lady? It looked funny. I figured she wouldn't like that, so I just reached over and pulled it out with a little tug. Next thing I know, she spins around and socks me one!"
"Jeez, you got TWO black eyes in one blow?"
"Naw...After she turned back around, I figured she was angry that I pulled the dress out of her crack - so I tried to poke it back in."