Jack Jokes / Recent Jokes

Tennis Elbow
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Don't have to spend that kind of money, " Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be more...

A company boss has to decide who to lay someone off. He decides on two low level management employees Jack or Karen. He goes to Karen and says, "I will have to lay you or Jack off."

Hal E. Luya (Hallelujah)
Hal Jalikakick (How'd ya like a kick)
Hammond Eggs (Ham and Eggs)
Hank E. Panky (Hanky Panky)
Harmon Ikka (Harmonica)
Harris Mint (Harassment)
Harrison Fire (Hair is on Fire)
Harry Balzac (Hairy Ball Sack)
Harry Weiner (Hairy Wiener)
Hayden Seek (Hide & Seek)
Haywood Jablowme (Hey, Would You Blow Me?)
Haywood Jashootmee (Hey Would You Shoot Me?)
Hein Noon (High Noon)
Helen Back (Hell and Back)
Helena Hanbaskett (Hell In A Hand Basket)
Henador Titzhoff (He Gnawed Her Tits Off)
Herbie Hind (Her Behind)
Herb E. Side (Herbiside)
Herbie Voor (Herbivore)
Holden Mcgroin (Holding My Groin)
Holly Dayin (Holiday Inn)
Holly Wood (Hollywood)
Homan Provement (Home Improvent)
Homer Sexual (Homosexual)
Howard I. No (How Would I Know?)
Howe D. Pardner (Howdy Partner)
Hu Flung Pu (Who Flung Poo?)
Huang Annsaw (Wrong Answer)
Hugh Beeotch more...

Jack was summoned by the Disciplinarian where his son, Tracey was enrolled. Tracey always throw stones at his playmates and he never missed.
Jack replied to the Disciplinarian: Sir, please look at the bright side. My son will grow up to be a very effective baseball pitcher.

Who is Jack Schitt you ask? The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says " you don't know jack schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O Schitt, the owner of kneedeep N. Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' wishes, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout more...

Jack went to see a psychiatrist. "Doc, I think I'm going crazy and you just have to help me. Every time I get into bed, I think there's someone under it. I get under the bed, and I think there's someone on top of it. Top, under, top, under, over and over again."
"Put yourself in my hands for one year," the doctor said. "Come to see me three times a week and I will cure your fears."
"How much do you charge, doctor?" Jack asked.
"My fee is one hundred dollars per visit," replied the doctor.
"I'll think about it, doc," Jack said.
Several months later, the doctor met Jack on the street. "Why didn't you come back to see me again?" asked the doctor.
"For a hundred dollars a visit?" Jack exclaimed. "A bartender cured me for a mere ten dollars."
"Really? How did he do that?" the doctor asked.
"He told me to cut the legs of the bed!" Jack replied.

Jack woke up the morning after the office party with a horrible hangover and was having a hard time recalling the events of the previous night. He made his way down to the kitchen where his wife was.
"Linda," he groaned, "what happened last night. Please tell me I wasn't as bad as I think."
"Worse," she replied, scorning. "You went and made a complete ass of yourself. Not only did you succeed in infuriating everyone, you insulted the CEO right to his face."
"That guy's an asshole," Jack retorted. "Piss on him."
"That you did!", Linda replied. "That's when he fired you."
"Well fuck him!", yelled Jack.
"I did." Linda replied. "You're back at work on Monday."