Jewish Jokes / Recent Jokes

Q: If a doctor carries a black leather bag and a plumber carries a box of tools, what does a mohel carry? A: A bris kit.

The citizens of Chelm decided that it was inefficient for them all to be doing their own worrying. They had almost decided they would hire Chaim, pay him two rubles a week and he'd do all their worrying for them, but then Moishe asked: "But if we pay him two rubles a week, what will he have to worry about?"

A man walks into shul with a dog. The shammas comes up to him and says, "Pardon me, this is a House of Worship, you can't bring your dog in here."
"What do you mean," says the man, "this is a Jewish dog. Look."
And the shammas looks carefully and sees that in the same way that a St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel round its neck this dog has a tallis bag round its neck.
"Rover," says the man, "daven!".
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kipa and puts it on his head.
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it round his neck.
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a siddur and starts to daven.
"That's fantastic," says the shammas, "absolutely amazing, incredible! You should take him to Hollywood, get him on television, get more...

A man walks into shul with a dog. The shammas comes up to him and says, "Pardon me, this is a House of Worship, you can't bring your dog in here."
"What do you mean," says the man, "this is a Jewish dog. Look."
And the shammas looks carefully and sees that in the same way that a St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel round its neck this dog has a tallis bag round its neck.
"Rover," says the man, "daven!".
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kipa and puts it on his head.
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it round his neck.
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a siddur and starts to daven.
"That's fantastic," says the shammas, "absolutely amazing, incredible! You should take him to Hollywood, get him on television, get more...

There is a big controversy these days concerning when life begins. In Jewish tradition the fetus is not considered a viable human being until after graduation from medical or law school.
Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? A: One less drunk!
Q: Why are there so many Italian men in New York named Tony? A: When they came over to this country, they had "To NY" stamped on their foreheads.
A Russian, a Saudi, a North Korean and an American are walking down the street. A pollster stops them and asks, "Excuse me, what is your opinion of the meat shortage?" The Saudi replies, "Excuse me, what's a 'shortage'?" The Russian replies, "Excuse me, what's meat?" The North Korean replies, "Excuse me, what's an opinion?" Finally, the American replies, "What's 'Excuse me?'"
Q: What do New Zealanders call a sheep in their back yard? A: A ride on lawn-mower.
Why the British are more...

Oy of the Beholder - Singles kvetch about their awful dates.
Girls, Interrupted - Women's section of Shul shusshed during davening (prayers).
The Seder House Rules - Zaydie lays down the law on Pesach.
Angela's Kashas - Woman reveals secret recipes.
The Six Cents - Three Jews each put in their two-cents' worth.
Snow Falling on Seders - Unexpected storm disrupts Passover.
Supernova - Space scientists discover powerful strain of lox.
Dreydel Will Rock - Chanukah toy comes alive.
Sleepy Hallah - On Friday night, father fills up on bread, dozes off.
Stuart Ladle - Mouse makes chicken soup for Shabbos.
The Whole Nine Yids - Struggling shul waits for tenth.
The Green Mohel - Young man performs first circumcision
Mun on the Moon - Astronauts discover hamantaschen filling, not green cheese, on lunar surface.
Gonif with the Wind - A thief tries to acquire ownership of Tara through a forged deed.
The Putzman Rings Twice - A mohel murder more...

The little girl's dad was Jewish and her mom was Catholic. Mom had been taking the little girl to church every Sunday.One Sunday, during High Mass, the little girl whispers to her mom, “Mom, can we go home now?”“No honey, not yet,” replied the mother, “the Mass is only half over.”“Then we can go now, Mom. I'm half Jewish.”