Jewish Jokes / Recent Jokes

The first Jewish woman President is elected. She calls her Mother, "Mama, I've won the elections, you've got to come to the swearing-in ceremony."
"I don't know, what would I wear?"
"Don't worry, I'll send you a dressmaker"
"But I only eat kosher food"
"Mama, I am going to be the president, I can get you kosher food"
"But how will I get there?"
"I'll send a limo, just come mama"
"Ok, Ok, if it makes you happy."
The great day comes and Mama is seated between the Supreme Court Justices and the Future Cabinet members, she nudges the gentleman on her right. "You see that girl, the one with her hand on the Bible? Her brother's a doctor!"

A Jewish man and a Chinese man were conversing. The Jewish man commented upon what a wise people the Chinese are.
"Yes," replied the Chinese man, "Our culture is over 4,000 years old. But, you Jews are a very wise people, too."
The Jewish man replied, "Yes, our culture is over 5,000 years old."
The Chinese man was incredulous, "That's impossible, he replied. Where did your people eat for a thousand years?"

A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park He sat down on a bench and began eating. A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him.
Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man.
The blind man ran his fingers over the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this?!"

There were two good friends (roommates, actually) at a University. One of them was a Chinese and the other was a Jew.
One day they went drinking and had a little too much. Upon staggering back home, they got into some stupid mindless argument. One thing led to another and suddenly the Jewish guy was pummeling the Chinese. Finally, exhausted, the Jewish guy stopped.
The Chinese, black eyes and all, opened one eye with some effort and asked him, "Why did you beat me"?
The Jewish guy replied, "That was for Pearl Harbour".
"But they were Japanese,. .." exclaimed the Chinese.
"Japanese, Chinese, all the same thing", replied the Jewish guy.
Some time went by. Again they went drinking and had a little too much. Once again there was the crazy mindless argument. They broke into a fight as soon as they reached home. This time the Chinese guy had the upper hand and almost did the Jewish guy in.
Finally, winded, the more...

Three Jewish mothers met for lunch:
"Oi, Oi, have I had a week!" The first cried, "On Monday my daughter's husband of 15 years, the father of my three grandchildren announces he's leaving her for another woman!"
"You think you got problems?" Exclaimed the second lady, "My son has left his wife to set up home with the man next door!"
"That's nothing!" Declared the third, "I've lost my cleaner!"

Coffee maker
[My thanks to Hilary for the following]
Maurice and Becky are arguing over who should brew the coffee each morning.
Becky says, "As you get up first in the morning, Maurice, you should make it. Then we won`t have to wait too long for our coffee."
"But you’re in charge of all the cooking," replies Maurice, "that’s your job, so you should make it. And if I have to wait for my coffee in the morning, well, I don`t mind."
"But it says in the bible that the man should make the coffee," says Becky
"OK, responds Maurice, "if you can show me where it says that, I’ll never question you again."
Next day, Becky borrows a bible from her neighbour and shows Maurice that on the top of several pages it indeed says ‘Hebrews’.

Morris calls his son in NY and says," Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama." The son is shocked and asks his father to tell him what happened. "I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up.""But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?""It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell
her. It will spare me the pain.""But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?""No I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with more...