Kick Jokes / Recent Jokes

Differences Between Men & Women
NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.
EATING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22. 50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till more...

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Dakota.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own!"

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Dakota. We settle small disagreements like this with the "Three Kick Rule.'"

The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"

The farmer replied, more...

Why did the queen bee kick out all of the other bees? Because they kept droning on and on!

Compiled by Harold Reynolds and updated on December 6, 1994

1. Introduction

The following is a manual of guidelines for the busy cat(s) who will have a house to manage after adopting one or more humans. It is, of course, impossible to cover all possible situations, as those humans are always up to some sort of mischief, but the compiler and contributors to this guide have endeavoured to cover as wide a variety of topics as possible. It is important that this document be kept out of the hands of humans, who will undoubtedly find a way to use it to their advantage.

2. Food

In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed now; and hunting for it oneself. The following are some guidelines for getting fed.

a) When the humans are eating, make sure more...

A red-head, a brunette and a blonde perform a Post Office robbery. They are on the run from the police and they have to ditch their car and go cross country.

They are all getting tired and happen across an old farm with a huge barn. Sneaking inside the barn, they see three old flour sacks. They all hide in separate sacks.

The police enter the barn and upon seeing the sacks, kick the first one containing the redhead. The redhead says "Woof!".

"Nothing in here but a dog sarge" says the constable. "We'd better move on".

They kick the sack containing the brunette. "Miaow!" she says.

"Nothing in here but a cat sarge. Better move on".

They kick the sack containing the blonde and the blonde says "Potatoes!"

ACCOUNTANTS - Lose their balance.
ACTORS - Drop a part.
ACTUARIES - Get broken down by age and sex.
ARCHERS - Bow and quiver.
BANKERS - Lose interest.
BASEBALL PLAYERS - Get pitched.
BASKETBALL players - Go on dribbling.
BEEKEEPERS - Buzz off.
BLONDES - Dye away.
BOOKKEEPERS - Lose their figures.
BOTANISTS - Wither away.
BOWLERS - End up in the gutter.
CARDIAC SURGEONS - Get bypassed.
CHAUFFEURS - Lose their drive.
CHICKENS - Get fried.
CLEANING PEOPLE - Kick the bucket.
CLOTHIERS - Lose their shirts.
COMPUTER USERS - Lose their memory.
COOKS - Get deranged.
COWS - Kick the bucket.
DAIRYMEN - Get butter and butter.
DAREDEVILS - Get discouraged.
DEANS - Lose their faculties.
DOCTORS - Lose their patients.
EGYPTIAN TOURISTS - Go senile.
ELECTRICIANS - Lose contact.
ENGINEERS - Lose their bearings.
EXTERMINATORS - Bug out.
FARMERS - Go to seed.

A solicitor from Dublin, while hunting in the West, brought down a fowl which landed in a farmer's field. As the lawyer climbed over the wall to retrieve the bird, the elderly owner appeared asking what he was doing. The litigator replied, "I shot that bird y'see lyin there, and now I'm about to pick it up." The old man answered, "This is my property yer crossin into, and I'm tellin you, yer not coming over." The indignant attorney said, "I'll have you knw that I'm one of the best solicitors in all of Ireland, and if you don't let me retrieve my bird, I'll take ye to court for everything y'own!" The old farmer looked him over and said, "Well now, being as how you're not from around here, you don't know how we settle things like this. Y'see now, here we use the three-kick method. "And what would that be?", asked the lawyer. The farmer said, "First I kick you three times and then you do the same to me, and back and forth like that till more...