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50 Ways to Appreciate Life
1. Watch the sunset- on a sled.
2. Smile more, -it might get you a free beer.
3. Complain less. -It might get you a free beer.
4. Surprise a friend with a call. - It might get you a free beer.
5. Develop your gifts. - You might need them.
6. Count your blessings. - You might need these too!
7. Talk to someone in an elevator. - Particularly ones with Arctic Cat jackets on, or those carrying beer.
8. Breathe consciously once in a while. - This cures snoring.
9. Enjoy sneezes - and stay behind the one sneezing.
10. Appreciate that your leg isn't broken, - unless you are an actor.
11. Be unique, -it demonstrates difference!
12. Sing in the shower. - With a friend!
13. Put your shoes on the wrong feet and laugh at yourself, - or have someone laugh at you.
14. Make someone's day, - or night.
15. Stand on your head. - For a free beer!
16. Stare at the world above you. - Hopefully not from under a more...

Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,
A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed,
But the one day he was talking to a recruiter,
Who said, "they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer..."
UNIX, that is... CRTs... Workstations...
Well, the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer.
The kinfolk said "Jed, move away from here".
They said "Arizona is the place ya oughta be",
So he bought some donuts and he moved to Ahwatukee...
Intel, that is... dry heat... no amusement parks...
On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube.
Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube.
They said "you project's late, but we know just what to do.
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!"
OT, that is... unpaid... mandatory...
The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad.
Schedules started slipping and some managers were mad.
They called another meeting and decided on a fix.
The more...

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones` mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn`t you be a bit more tactful, next time?"
"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath`s mother died. You`d better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more more...

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office.

"How was work, dear?" his wife asks.
"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.

"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks sweetly.

"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! Alright! Is that alright with you?
Can't I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? huh?"

At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.

Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself...
"Well, I guess it's that time of the month!"

Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand - and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish talking.
Commandment more...

Why didnt the piglets listen to the teacher pig? Because he was an old boar.

You have to read the whole thing: The following is from a 1950's Home Economics textbook intended for the High School girls, teaching how to prepare for married life. 1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed. 2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift. 3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has more...