Local Jokes / Recent Jokes

This elderly Newfoundland fisherman is on his deathbed and summons his 3 sons to his bedside. "Well boys, the time is near, and when I pass I'd like to be buried at sea." So the boys agreed. A few days after his passing, the local front page read, "Local Fishermen Were Shocked Today When Their Nets Brought in Patrick McRay in a Coffin, 3 Shovels and the Bodies of His Three Sons... Funeral arrangements haven't yet been made, however, it is believed all wished to be buried at sea."

A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a grave side committal service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. He arrived a half-hour late, the hearse was no where in site, and the workmen were eating lunch.

The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service. As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "Maybe we'd better tell him it's a septic tank."

A psychology student at a local university was sent on a fieldassignment to evaluate three patients in a local mental hospital. The first patient was locked in his room throwing tennis ballseverywhere. The student asked why, and the patient answered"When I get out of here I going to ba a tennis pro." The second patient was locked in his room throwing baseballseverywhere. When asked why he said "When I get out of here Igoing to be a professional baseball player." The student thought he was starting to get the hang of things, until he looked in on the third patient. There locked in themiddle of the room was a naked man, masturbating with a peanuton the end of his penis. The student asked, "I understand aboutthe others, but what are you going to be when you get out of here?" "They're never going to let me out of here," the patientsaid "I'm f**king nuts!"

A boy went into the local department store where he saw a sign on the escalator - Dogs must be carried on this escalator. The boy then spent the next tow hours looking for a dog.

Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.
You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.
You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.

A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a graveside burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.
The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place.
Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."

A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a grave side committal service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends.
The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. He arrived a half-hour late, the hearse was nowhere in site, and the workmen were eating lunch.
The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say:
"Maybe we'd better tell him it's a septic tank."