Long Jokes / Recent Jokes

Start asking her questions (don't mistakenly do anything) about cooking, cleaning, and laundry. Say, "I think it's time I learn to take care of myself. You know, just in case." Volunteer to cook for her. Make sure it's real greasy. Use every pot and pan in the house and be sure you spill and/or drop some of everything everywhere. While brushing your teeth, flick the toothbrush first at the sink and then at the mirror. Never ask her to get you something from the kitchen when she's in the kitchen. Let her spend a good 30 minutes in there and when she reaches the sofa with a sigh of relief say, "Will you PLEASE do me a big favor and get me a beer, my back is just killing me today. Be sure to load up all your pockets with tissues before you drop them in the clothes hamper. Leave yourself a trail of clothing, towels, dishes, and everything else you put your hands on. This will ensure you never lose your way. Wait until she's overwhelmed with work (Weekly Opportunity) lean in more...

This lady in N.Y. City use to go to a corner store that sells ducks and she was known to go there to by a Long Island duck at all times, one day she did her usual routine and stop at that corner store to by a Long Island duck, she notest a new owner operating the store so she ask him for a Long Island duck, the man went to the back and grab a duck and give it to her, she toke the duck, put's her finger in the ducks ass and says, excuse me sir but I asked for a Long Island duck and this is a new jersey duck, so the man looked at her, went to the back and grab another duck, gives it to her and again she put's her finger in the duck's ass and says, excuse me again sir but I've told you that I want a Long Island duck and this is a New York duck, the man looked at her angry, goes to the back and grabs another one and gives it to her, she did the inspection again and said, sir, finally you got it right, this is a long Island duck! By the way sir you look new here, where you from? The man more...

As long as there are exams, there'll be prayer in public schools.

Three young candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test.
The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each man's penis.
In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate.
*Ting-a-ling*
"Oh, Patrick," says the Monsignor, "I am so disappointed in your lack of control. Go take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness." The candidate leaves.
The dancer continues, dancing around the second candidate, slowly peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops:
*Ting-a-ling*
"Joseph, Joseph,"sighs the Monsignor. "You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness."
The dancer continues, dancing naked in front of the final candidate. Nothing. She writhes up and down more...

Q: Why do we paint Easter eggs?
A: Because it's easier than trying to wallpaper them!
Q: Who is the Easter Bunny's favorite movie actor?
A: Rabbit De Niro!
Q: Does the Easter Bunny like baseball?
A: Oh, yes. He's a rabbit fan!
Q: What's pink, has five toes, and is carried by the Easter Bunny?
A: His lucky people's foot!
Q: What's long and stylish and full of cats?
A: The Easter Purrade!
Q: What has long ears, four legs, and is worn on your head?
A: An Easter bunnet!
Boy 1: "How did you get that bruise on your arm?"
Boy 2: "I ate some Easter candy."
Boy 1: "Eating Easter candy won't give you a bruise."
Boy 2: "It will if it's your big brother's candy!"
Q: What would you get if you crossed the Easter Bunny with an oversterssed person?
A: An Easter basket case!
Q: What's yellow, has long ears, and grows on trees?
A: The Easter Bunana!
Q: Why does more...

The gift
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's
birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful
consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right
note; romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to
Nordstom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased
a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister
got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking
the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his
sweetheart with the following note:
"I choose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing
any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I
would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short
ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady
I more...

A guy walks into his doctor’s office and says, “Ddddoc, I’ve bbbeen sssttttuttering ffor yyears and III’m tired of it. Ccccan yyyou hehehelp mmme??? ”
The doc says, “Well, I’ll have to examine you first before I can answer you. ”
The doc examines him and says, “Well, I’m pretty sure that I know what the problem is. ”
The guy asks, “wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc? ”
The doc says, ”It’s your penis. It’s about about 18 inches long and all of the down pressure is putting a strain on your vocal chords. ”
The guy asks, “Wwwhat ccan wwe ddo about it? ”
The doc replies, “Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one. I can guarantee that the operation will cure your stuttering. ”
The guy says, “Dddo it! ”
The guy has the operation and about four weeks later he comes back to the doctor’s office and says, “Thanks Doc. You’ve solved my problem and I don’t stutter any more but I’ve only had sex once more...