Machine Jokes / Recent Jokes

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a vending machine? A: Nothing... you get what you paid for.

My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.

This blonde was at a coke machine and and put her change in and mashed a button and out comes a drink. So she puts some more change in and pushed another button and out comes a drink. She keeps putting change in and pushing buttons and getting drinks. Here comes a man and asks the blonde if she is gonna be through at this machine any time soon and she responded" I'm not gonna quit until I stop winning."

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.
"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.
"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"
So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"
"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.
When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"
"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."

ODE TO A MAMMOGRAM
---Author unknown

For years' n years they told me,
be careful of your breasts
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,
and give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings
and protected them by law
Guarded them very carefully,
and always wore a bra.

After 30 years of careful care,
the doctor found a lump
He ordered up a mammogram
to look inside that clump.

Stand up very close, she said,
as she got my tit in line
And tell me when it hurts, she said,
Ah, yes, there! That's just fine.

She stepped upon a pedal...
I could not believe my eyes
A plastic plate was pressing down...
My boob was in a vice!!!

My skin was stretched' n stretched
from way up by my chin
And my poor tit was being squashed
to swedish pancake thin!!!

Excruciating pain I felt within
it's vice-like grip
A prisoner in this more...

Why are Monica Lewinsky and a change machine alike? They both say..."insert Bill here!"

A man complained to his friend "My elbow hurts I better go to the doctor." "Don't do that," volunteered his friend "there's a new computer at the drug store that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment."
The man figured he had nothing to lose so he took a sample of urine down to the drug store. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited the $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks
That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science, he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and more...