Marriage Jokes / Recent Jokes
An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She instructed the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, an emerald necklace, a ruby bracelet, and a Rolex watch.""But you're not wearing any of those things!" the artist said."I know," she replied. "But if I should die before my husband, I'm sure he'll remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry!"
Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency.
So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore."
So she drove the boat to shore. Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television.
She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack. You must set the table, cook the dinner, and wash the dishes."
There was a man who had memory loss. His wife got so fed up with him that she decided to take him to a doctor to help him remember things.
A few weeks later the man was out of the hospital and his wife felt he had made a big improvement.
A few days later they decided to celebrate so they invited their parents over for dinner. The man's father asked what the doctor's name was.
The man replied, "What's the name of that flower with a long stem and little thorns on it?"
His dad looked confused and said, "Rose?"
"Yes that's it... Hey, Rose... what's the name of my doctor?"
This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.
The first Sunday, he only preached ten minutes.
The second Sunday, he preached only twenty minutes.
But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.
When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way.
The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk.
The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot.
The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... and I couldn't stop talking!
Gone fishing
A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: "Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."
He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off.
A week later he returns.
His wife asks: "Did you have a good trip, dear?"
He says: " Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."
His wife smiles and says, "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!"