Memory Jokes / Recent Jokes

This is deadly serious, so don't ignore it. Several new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking havoc throughtout the national system. Beware of...
THE AL GORE Virus...(causes your computer to just keep counting and counting)
THE CLINTON Virus(gives you a 7-inch hard drive with no memory)
THE BOB DOLE Virus(makes a new hard drive out an old floppy)
THE LEWINSKY Virus(Sucks all the memory out of computer, then emails everone about what it did)
THE RONALD REAGAN Virus(saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)
THE MIKE TYSON Virus(Quits after two bytes)
THE OPRAH WINFREY Virus(your 300 mb hard drive shrinks to 100 mb, then slwoly expands to restabilize around araound 200 mb)
THE JACK KEVORKIAN Virus(deletes all old files)
THE ELLEN DEGENERES Virus(disks can no longer be inserted)
THE PROZAC Virus(totally screws up your RAM, but processors doesn't care)
THE JOE BUTTAFUOCO Virus(only attacks minor files)
THE ARNOLD more...

This is deadly serious, so don't ignore it. Several new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking havoc throughout the national system.

Beware of...

THE CLINTON Virus....
(Gives you a 6 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)

THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus...
(Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)

THE LEWINSKY virus...
(Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did)

THE RONALD REAGAN virus....
(Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)

THE MIKE TYSON virus....
(Quits after two bytes)

THE OPRAH WINFREY virus....
(Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to stabilize around 200mb)

THE JACK KAVORKIAN virus....
(Deletes all old files)

THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus...
(Disks can no longer be inserted)

THE PROZAC virus....
(Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor more...

The following is a true story, and this situation supposedly occurred in a real courtroom.

At a trial, an attorney was putting witnesses through an exacting cross-examination, and was taking great delight into forcing witnesses to admit that they did not remember every single detail of an automobile accident. While the lawyer knew that no witness has a perfect memory, he had honed a skill in exploiting minor inconsistencies and lapses of memory in order to challenge the credibility of honest witnesses. After a series of scathing cross-examinations, he was looking forward to his examination of yet another witness.

"Did you actually see the accident?" he asked.

The witness responded with a polite, "Yes, sir."

"How far away were you when the accident happened?"

"I was Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarters inches away from the point of collision."

"Thirty-four feet, seven more...

THE CLINTON Virus...(Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.)
THE BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) virus...(Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)
THE LEWINSKY virus...(Sucks all the memory out of your computer,
then emails your best friends about what it did).
THE RONALD REAGAN virus...(Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)
THE MIKE TYSON virus...(Quits after two bytes)
THE OPRAH WINFREY virus... (Your 300 mb hard drive shrinks to 100 mb, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200.)
THE JACK KEVORKIAN virus...(Deletes all old files)
THE PROZAC virus...(Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care)
THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus...(Only attacks minor files)
THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus...(Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back) and last but not least...
THE LORENA BOBBITT virus... (Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows)

Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to? A: Oral. Q: How old is your son - the one living with you. A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. Q: Sir, what is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think. Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo. Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about more...

A scouser was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face.
"Who's he?" asked the scouser.
"That's the Memory Man." said the bartender.
"He knows everything, remembers everything. He can remember any fact he experiences. Go and try him out."
So the scouser goes over, and thinking he won't know about English football, asks "Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?".
"Liverpool" replies the Memory Man.
"Who did they beat?"
"Leeds" was the instant reply.
"And the score?"
"2-1" "Who scored the winning goal?" "Ian St. John" was the old man's reply, without a hint of hesitation.
The scouser was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man when he got back. A more...

A clear conscience is the sign of bad memory