Mine Jokes / Recent Jokes

The patrol officer had stopped the man for obvious drunken driving, but since the guy had a clean record, he made him park the car and took him home in the patrol car.
"Are you sure this is your house?" the cop asked as they drove into a rather fashionable neighborhood.
"Shertainly!" said the drunk, "and if you'll just open the door fer me, I can prove it to ya."
Entering the living room, he said, "You shee that pea ano? Thash mine.
You shee that giant tela vizzon set?
Thast mine too. Now follow me."
The police officer followed the man as he shakily negotiated the stairs to the second floor. The drunk pushed open the first door they came to. "Thish ish my bedroom," he announced.
"Shee that bed there? Thast mine!"
"Shee that woman lying in the bed? Thash my wife."
"And shee that guy lying next to her?"
"Yeah?" the cop replied more...

There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local watering hole. The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar." Hey bartender" said the Engineer, "I'll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there." The bartender responded, "I'm sorry sir but that guy's a commie and we don't serve his kind around here." "Well, you'd better because if it weren't for that guy, I wouldn't be here. You remember that mine that caved in, well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don't believe me, look at the top of his head and you'll see that it's flat from holding the roof up." The bartender skeptically served the commie his beer and then came back to talk to the Engineer: "I saw the flat spot on his head but more...

These are great!
A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS
Skinny people piss me off! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I forgot to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
They say you shouldn't say anything about the dead unless it's good. He's dead. Good.
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she didn't give a shit.
They keep telling women to get in touch with their bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative, but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the 9: 00 class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen, bitch, do it and you die."
The trouble with some women is they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
Gay, straight... they all want blow jobs.
They say more...

1. If I like it, it's mine. 2. If it's in my hand, it's mine. 3. If I can take it from you, it's mine. 4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine. 5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way. 6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine. 7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.

Sam and Abe, now in their eighties, first met in grade school. Their relationship now is playing cards, playing jokes and making bets.

One day Sam calls Abe and says "I bet you that mine is longer soft than yours is hard. A thousand dollars."

Abe replies "How can that be? If you know anything about biology you....

Sam interrupts "I called for a bet, not a lecture. Mine is longer soft than yours is hard... A thousand dollars... YES OR NO?"

Abe says, "OK OK I'll take that bet. How long is yours soft?"

Sam answers "Eleven years"

Q: Have you seen the polish mine detector. A1: Put you fingers in your ears and start stamping the ground with your foot.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore. Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down. Man: Your place or mine? Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine. Man: So, what do you do for a living? Woman: I'm a female impersonator. Man: Hey baby, what's your sign? Woman: Do not enter. Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? Woman: Unfertilized. Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing. Man: Your body is like a temple. Woman: Sorry, there are no services today. Man: I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: But would you stay there?