Mine Jokes / Recent Jokes

Wife: "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."
Husband: "How about the ones like mine?"
Wife: "Those they gave away."
Husband: "I had a dream too... I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."
Wife: "And how much for the ones like mine?"
Husband: "That's where they held the auction."

If I like it, it's mine. If it's in my hand, it's mine. If I can take it from you, it's mine. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine. If it looks just like mine, it's mine. If I think it's mine, it's mine. If I.. .. Oops! I'm sorry, I goofed. Instead of typing in the Toddler Property Laws, I've been typing in Bill Gates' primary business plan.

A woman goes into a bar real depressed and uses her last 10 dollars to buy a drink. All of a sudden she gets an idea that she knows will solve her problems. She takes her change and goes to the man at the end of the bar and says, " Mister, I'm broke and my landlord said if I dont give him the rent money first thing in the morning, I'm out of a place to live. I'll bet you my last five dollars that i can come up with a rhyme that you can't come up with a reply to." The man wanting to help her says ok go ahead. So she tells him, "six times six is thirty-six and three is thirty-nine. I can tell the length of yours but you can't tell the depth of mine." The man scratches his head and says, "your right, I can't top that." and he pays her the five dollars. Then she goes to the next man and the next until she has beat every man in the bar. So she goes to the next bar and starts betting 100 at a time. She does this at every bar on the block until she has 3, 000 more...

1 Man: "Haven't we met before?" Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V. D. Clinic."

2 Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?" Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

3 Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants." Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."

4 The rebuttal to a turn-down: Man: "Want to Dance?" Woman: "No thanks." Man: "Don't thank me, thank God because somebody asked you."

5 Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in the phone book." Man: "But I don't know your name." Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

6 Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "Female impersonator."

7 Man: "You know, I'd really love to travel to exotic places with you." Woman: (tries to ignore him) Man: more...

Ways to turn men down
HE: can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money
HE: I'm a photographer i've been looking for a face likeyours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. i've been looking for a face like yours!!!
HE: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake
twice!!!
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share!!!
HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!
HE: Your face must turn a few heads!
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs!!!
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!!!
HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have more...

a) You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
b) At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
c) A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted." Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing. "You can have mine."
d) When a woman steals your husband; there is no
better revenge than to let her keep him.
e) A woman is incomplete until she is married.
Then she is finished.
f) A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'am still paying."
g) A young son asked, "Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That more...

1.) Man: "Haven't we met before?" Woman: "Yes, I was the receptionist at the V. D. Clinic." 2.) Man: "So, wanna go back to my place? " Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?" 3.) Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants." Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there." 4.) The most memorable rebuttal to a turn-down (used by the guy whoused to live across the hall from me in residence) when he asked a girl to dance and she refused: Man: "Want to Dance?" Woman: "No, thank you." Man: "Don't thank me, thank God because somebody asked you." 5.) Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in the phone book." Man: "But I don't know your name." Woman: "That's in the phone book too." 6.) Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "Female impersonator." 7.) Man: "You know, I'd really more...