Minister Jokes / Recent Jokes

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.
Every hand went up.
The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

Farmer Joe had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing. One day when he was out in the field, Joe's wife brought his lunch to him.
Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Joe's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking her in the head, and killing her instantly.
At the wake, Joe's minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Joe he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.
When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Joe and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"
"Well," Joe replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my more...

Delivering his speech at the opening banquet of a national convention, the visiting minister told several anecdotes he expected to repeat at meetings the next day.
Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he requested that the reporters omit them from any accounts they might turn in to their newspapers. A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece with the following:
"The minister told a number of stories that cannot be printed here."

This man shows up at his doctor's office to get patched up. He has obviously been severely beaten about the head and shoulders. His doctor tapes him up and asks him, "What in the hell happened to you?"
"You won't believe this doc, it happened in church."
"In church? How?"
"The minister told us all to stand and sing hymn 317. When we stood up, I noticed the woman standing in front of me had her dress pushed up her butt. So I reached forward and pulled it out. She beat the crap out of me with her umbrella."
Several weeks later, the man shows up at his doctor, all beaten up again. Again the doctor patches him up and asks him about what happened.
"It happened in the same church."
"Again?"
"Yes. The minister told us to all stand and sing hymn 317. When we stood up, the same woman was in front of me, with her dress up her butt. The woman standing next to her noticed that and pulled it out. I knew more...

One Sunday a minister announced that he had laryngitis and wouldn't be able to preach that day, but what he would do instead was say a few words and the congregation would then sing the first hymn that came to mind.
"Jesus," the minister whispered.
Within moments the congregation started singing, "Jesus Loves Me."
"God," whispered the minister.
The congregation started to sing, "How Great Thou Art."
"Roses," the minister whispered.
This prompted the congregation to start singing, "In The Garden."
This one-word, one-hymn game continued for a few more minutes until the minister whispered, "Sex."
The congregation fell deathly silent. Many of the parishioners began looking around to see the reaction of others to the minister's last word. Everyone remained silent, until one brave soul, an elderly woman sitting in the back, cleared her throat and began to sing as loud as she could... more...

A district minister arrived one Sunday morning in a small rural town. The local minister asked the district minister to help with a local problem.
"Everyone here thinks they are just perfect!" said the local minister. "Could you preach a sermon that will bring them back to their senses?
The district minister was a gifted speaker, eloquent with words and knowledgeable about the Scripture. He spoke for nearly an hour, convincing everyone that they too were sinners. Finally, the district minister was sure he had set everyone straight.
To reaffirm that they were all thinking alike, the district minister finally asked, "Is there anyone here who thinks they are perfect?"
Everyone was looking at the floor, thinking quietly. Slowly, one man in the back stood up.
The district minister asked the man, "And why do you stand, sir?"
The man said, "I am not perfect, but I am standing in memory of my wife's first husband who was."

After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother,' 'Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up.''

''That's okay with us,'' the mother said,' 'But what made you decide to be a minister?''

''Well,'' the boy replied,' 'I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen.''