Minister Jokes / Recent Jokes
A man once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he`d go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.
On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.
"Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind."
The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach `Thou shall not steal,` that changed your heart?"
The man responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat."
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem--my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister.
Soon, Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
"God!" more...
The new minister's wife had a baby. The minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family. The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it. When the next child arrived, the minister appealed and again the congregation approved the increase. Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expenses. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister.
Finally, the minister stood up and shouted "Having children is an Act of God!"
An older man in the back stood and shouted back "So are rain and snow, but we wear rubbers for them!"
On a crowded airliner a five-year-old boy is throwing a wild
temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed
mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream
furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly minister slowly
walks forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with
an upraised hand, the minister leans down and whispers something
into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes
his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.
All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the
minister slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the
stewardess takes him by the sleeve. "Excuse me, Reverend," she
says quietly, "but what magic words did you use on that little
boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently says, "I told him if he
didn't cut that shit out, I'd kick his more...
Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the' Bible Belt,'there lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation. Onemorning, after a particularly moving sermon, he announced, "Friends Ihave been hearing very nasty rumors!"The crowd fell into an expectant silence. The Minister continued,"One of you, here among us, has been reporting that I am a member ofthe dreaded' Klu Klux Klan.' This, of course, is not true! I amasking that the guilty party confess and apologize now - right here- before my flock of loyal followers."A young woman quickly stood up blushing and trembling and pled,"Preacher, please, I don't know how this all came to be. I justmentioned to one of my close friends that you were a wizard underthe sheets."
A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when the police raided the game. Turning to the priest, the lead police officer said, "Father Murphy, were you gambling?"
Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered, "Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do." To the police officer, he then said, "No, officer; I was not gambling."
The officer then asked the minister, "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?"
Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied, "No, officer; I was not gambling."
Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?"
Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied, "With whom?"