News Jokes / Recent Jokes

Dear Abby:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Since he lost his job five years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is buy cigars and cruise around and bullshit with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I am a lesbian.
What should I do?
Signed, Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him any more.
You're a United States Senator from New York. Act like it!

Both Clinton and the Pope die, but there is a mix up. Clinton went to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell.
The Pope explains the situation to the hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to process the paperwork and make the switch.
The next day, the Pope is called in and the hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for heaven. On the way up, he meets Clinton on the way down, and they stop to chat.
Pope: Sorry about the mix up.
Clinton: No problem.
Pope: I'm really excited about going to heaven.
Clinton: Why's that?
Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.
Clinton: You're a day late.

Q: What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra? A: The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back. A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why? The conductor. Business before pleasure. Q: Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants? A: They've had so little use. Q: What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer? A: The sack. Q: What do you have when a group of conductors are up to their necks in wet concrete? A: Not enough concrete. Did you hear about the planeload of conductors en route to the European Festival? The good news: it crashed. The bad news: there were three empty seats on board. Q: What's the difference between a symphony conductor and Dr Scholl's footpads? A: Dr Scholl's footpads buck up the feet. Q: What's the difference between a pig and a symphony orchestra conductor? A: There are some things a pig just isn't willing to do. Q: What is the ideal more...

A blonde and a brunette were watching the 11:00 news. The current news story
was about a man up on a ledge and threatening to jump. The station cuts to a
commercial.
Brunette: I bet you $20 he's going to jump.
Blonde: OK.
(back to newscast)
He jumps.
Blonde: OK. Here's my $20.
Brunette: No, that was too easy. I can't take it.
Blonde: I insist. I lost.
Brunette: I have a confession to make. I saw the same story on the 6:00 news
and knew he jumped. So it wasn't really a fair bet.
Blonde: I know. I saw the same newscast. But I didn't think he would be stupid enough to jump
twice.

A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o'clock news. The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge.
The brunette turns to the blonde and says, " I bet you $50 the man is going to jump.
"The blonde replies, "Okay you're on." Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50.
The brunette says, "I can't accept this money. I watched the 5 o'clock news and saw the man jump then."
"No, you have to take it," says the blonde. "I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do it again."

The Australian liberal party announced today that they arechanging their emblem to a condombecause it more clearly reflects their party'spolitical stance :A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, discourages co-operation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives one a sense of security whilescrewing others.

While visiting the United States, the Pope met with President Clinton. Rather than just an hour as scheduled, the meeting lasted for two days. Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to meet with the media.
Smiling, he announced that the summit was a great success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed and that he was now going home to the White House to be with his family.
The Pope then came out to make his statement. He appeared tired, very discouraged and close to tears. Sadly, he announced his meeting with the President was a failure. Confused, one reported asked, "But, your Holiness, the President just announced the summit was quite a success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed."
Frustrated, the Pope replied, "Yes, but we were discussing the Ten Commandments!"