Nose Jokes / Recent Jokes

This is an Actual Article from the Los Angeles Times:
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying
to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe
Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomasszewski, and his homosexual
partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after
a felching session had gone seriously wrong.
"I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in,"
he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out 'Armageddon', my cue that he'd had
enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered
into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him." At a
hushed press conference a hospital spokesperson described what happened next.
"The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the
tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair more...

A mother was having dinner with her two young children when her three year old daughter asked her why there were two holes in your nose. Her four year old son quickly responded with, "So you can still breath when you pick your nose!"

10 Things Women Will Simply Never Understand
Men are a misunderstood lot, which all in all is
probably for the best. Women are better off not knowing
that we eat with our hands the minute they leave the
room or that we use their nail clippers to trim our
nose hair.
Better for them, better for us. Still, it`s annoying
that women spend more time and money trying to
understand the minds of cats than they do wondering
about what makes men tick. Which is why they`ll
never understand...
1. Our consuming need to own the biggest and most
expensive version of just about everything.
Our compulsive desire to drive off-road vehicles in
cities and use corkscrews that resemble off-shore
drilling equipment is well-documented.
As marketing targets, men are suckers for terms like
"professional"or "industrial strength", because inside
every man is the germ of every profession he more...

Twas the night before Christmas And all through the house There were empties and butts Left around by some louse. And the best quart I'd hid By the chimney with care Had been swiped by some creep Who'd discovered it there!
Our hung-over guests Had been poured into bed (They'll wake in the morn With a God-awful head) My tongue, cotton-coated, Hung down to my belt And only the seasick Could know how I felt!
My wife - she had long ago Gone up to bed While visions of Redskins Danced in her head. And I in the parlor Sat all alone, I'd unplugged the cat And put out the phone.
Just then, through a window Came noise and smells Like an overturned beer truck And tinkle of bells! I sprang from my chair To see what was the matter To see what was causing The smell and the clatter.
When what to my wondering Eyes did appear But eight drunken reindeer And sled full of beer! With a little old driver, Nose red as a brick, I knew it was Santa As tight as a tick!
Weaving upward and more...

Famous Sports Quotes.
Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the 'Skins say "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too."
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius.. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss goodbye."
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it more...

Q: How do you break a blonde's nose?
A: You put a dildo under a glass table!

Q: How do you break the nose on a blonde?, "Q: How do you break the nose on a blonde? A: You put a dildo under a glass table!