Paint Jokes / Recent Jokes

Stanley got a job painting the yellow stripes on the highway. His first day he dipped his brush into the bucket and managed to paint an entire mile of yellow lines. The second day he painted half a mile. The rthird day a quarter of a mile.

On the fourth day Stanley's boss showed up and asked, "How come each day you seem to paint less and less?"

"Well, sir," explained Stanley, "that's because each day I get farther and farther away from the bucket."

On a fine sunday afternoon, a man walk into a run-down hotel and asks for a room he can piss off the balcony of. The clerk calmly replies, "2nd floor."
A little while later, another man walks into the hotel and he asks "Ms., do you think i could get a room that i could practice my knife juggling in?" The clerk calmly replies "3rd floor."
Not too long after that, the custodian comes in. He says to the clerk "Exuse me, but I have a bunch of extra paint, and I was wondering if I could paint one of the rooms." The clerk calmly replies "1st floor."
This is what happens. The man on the 3rd floor drops one of his knives off the balcony and it cuts off thepenis of the man on the second floor. It then falls into a can of green paint that belonged to the custodian. The can of paint then falls into a barrel down on the street. It just so happenes that there was a pickle eating contest taking place and the man who won never notices more...

You might be a redneck if...

You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.

You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.

You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.

You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.

There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.

It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.

You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.

You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.

Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.

The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.

A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with Public Works. She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed.
The blonde agreed to the conditions and started right away. The supervisor checked up at the end of the day and found that she had completed four miles on her first day, double the average!
"Great," he told her, "I think you're really going to work out."
The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished two miles. The supervisor thought, "Well she's still at the average and I don't want to discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet."
The third day however the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to her before this gets any worse." The boss talked the new employee and said, "You were doing so more...

A blonde was recently fired from an M&M factory for throwing away Ws and peeling the shells on the candies. Therefore, she needed a new job to support herself. After going around town asking if anyone needed work done, she found a man who needed a painter.
"I'm here for the paint job," she said.
"Alright," said the man. "Here is the paint and your brush. I want you to paint my porch behind the house."
The blonde immediately went to work painting. Within an hour, she was done and decided to put on a second coating.
After she finished, she returned to the man for her pay. She said with satisfaction, "I not only completed the job, but I even put on two coats of paint! By the way, that isn't a porsche out back. It's a new BMW.

Why do we paint Easter eggs? Because it's easier than trying to wallpaper them!

A blonde was recently fired from an M&M factory for throwing away Ws and peeling the shells on the candies. Therefore, she needed a new job to support herself. After going around town asking if anyone needed work done, she found a man who needed a painter."I'm here for the paint job," she said."Alright," said the man. "Here is the paint and your brush. I want you to paint my porch behind the house."The blonde immediately went to work painting. Within an hour, she was done and decided to put on a second coating.After she finished, she returned to the man for her pay. She said with satisfaction, "I not only completed the job, but I even put on two coats of paint! By the way, that isn't a porsche out back. It's a new BMW.