Patient Jokes / Recent Jokes

Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You've had an accident involving a train. Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first? Patient: Well... The bad news first...
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them. Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?
Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

From a little book called "Disorder in the Court". These are things that people actually said in court, word for word. Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. Q: This myasthenia gravis--does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? Q: How old is your son--the one living with you. A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, "Where am I Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximately milepost499. Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and500. Q: Sir, what is more...

Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You've had an accident involving a train.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Well... The bad news first...
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?
Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers
RAINY web

The following statements were found on patient's charts during a recent review of medical records. These statements were written by various health care professionals including (we're afraid) a doctor or two at several major hospitals: "The lab test indicated abnormal lover function." "Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized." "The skin was moist and dry." "The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch." "She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce." "The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed." "I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy." "The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week." "Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los more...

Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth, but don't worry it will take just five minutes.

Patient: And how much will it cost?

Dentist: It's $90.00.

Patient: $90.00 for just a few minutes work???

Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like.

The Queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating." Oh my God," said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?" The Doctor leading the tour explains; "I am sorry your highness, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill withsemen. If he doesn't do that 5 times a day, they'll explode, and he would die instantly." "Oh, I am sorry," said the Queen. On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient oral sex." Oh my God," said the Queen, "what's happening in there?" The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here? Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.Patient: What happened? Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first? Patient: Give me the bad news first.Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news? Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.