Patient Jokes / Recent Jokes

Psychiatrist: What's your problem?
Patient: I think I'm a chicken.
Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?
Patient: Ever since I was an egg!

Dentist begging the patient: "Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?"

Patient: "Why? Doc, it isn't all that bad this time."

Dentist: "There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't want to miss the 4 o'clock ball game."

PATIENT: I'm in a hospital!? Whey am I in here?
DOCTOR: You've had an accident involving a train.
PATIENT: What happened?
DOCTOR: Well, I"ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
PATIENT: Well the bad news first.
DOCTOR: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
PATIENT: That's terrible! What's the good news?
DOCTOR: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your shoes.

Patient: Doctor I'm having trouble having sex with my wife. When I get close enough to her, I get nauseous. When I insert, even an inch or two, I get sick to my stomach. Doctor: Hmmmm, that does sound serious. Let me see it. Patient sticks out his tongue...

"For several months, our nurses have been baffled to find a patient dead in the same bed every Friday morning" a spokeswoman for the Pelonomi Hospital (Free State, South Africa) told reporters.
"There was no apparent cause for any of the deaths, and extensive checks on the air conditioning system, and a search for possible bacterial infection, failed to reveal any clues." "However, further inquiries have now revealed the cause of these deaths...
"It seems that every Friday morning a cleaning lady would enter the ward, remove the plug that powered the patient's life support system, plug her floor polisher into the vacant socket, then go about her business. When she had finished her chores, she would plug the life support machine back in and leave, unaware that the patient was now dead. She could not, after all, hear the screams and eventual death rattle over the whirring of her polisher".
"We are sorry, and have sent a strong more...

Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left reartire suffers a flat. While Jones is changing the tire, another cargoes by, running over the hub cap in which Jones was keeping the lugnuts. the nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain. Jones is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab whenhe hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, where one of theinmates has been watching the whole thing. "Hey, pal! Why don't you just take one lug nut off each of the otherthree wheels? That'll hold your tires on until you can get to a garageor something." Jones is startled by the patient's seeming rationality, but realizesthe plan will work, and installs the spare tire without incident. Before he leaves, he calls back to the patient. "You know, that waspretty sharp thinking. Why do they have you in there?" The patient smiles and says, "I'm in here because I'm crazy, notbecause I'm stupid."

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session." I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning." "Of course," replied the patient... "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."