Piece Jokes / Recent Jokes

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?", she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"
"Worked for your butt, didn't it?", he replied...
He lived, and with a great deal of therapy may even walk again....

A priest who was walking through a small town saw a blackboard outside the front
door of a school. It had been washed and put out to dry in the open air. There was a
piece of chalk at the foot of the blackboard. The priest took the chalk and wrote in large letters, “I'm a priest and I pray for you all.”A lawyer happened to pass next and when he saw what the priest had written, he
added under it, “I'm a lawyer and I defend you all.”Then, a doctor came by, took the piece of chalk, and wrote on the blackboard, “I'm a doctor and I cure you all.”Finally, an ordinary citizen stopped, looked at what the others had written, thought for a few seconds and then added, “I am an ordinary citizen and I pay for you all.”

*** Things that can and do bother the "normal" person. ***

Having to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thingy in the middle of them.

The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle. The same person that gives you a "blank stare" when you look at them.

There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.

You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.

It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it till you walk across your living room rug. Especailly since you don't even have a dog!

There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.

You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.

Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and
discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.

You drink from a soda can into which more...

Gags for the Office Drone Run one lap around the office at top speed
Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other 'no-player'must be in the bathroom at the time)
Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you
Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye"
To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily,"Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"
Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way"
Walk sideways to the photocopier.
While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open. THREE-POINT GAGS Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers
Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all more...

Twas the night before Chirstmas
And all through the house
Everybody felt crappy
Even the mouse,
Mom at the whorehouse
And dad smoking grass
I'd just settled down
For a nice piece of Ass,
When out on the lawn
I heard such a clatter
I sprung from my piece
To see what was the matter,
Then out on the lawn
I saw a big d***
I knew in a moment
It must be Saint Nick,
He came down the chimney
Like a bat out of hell
I knew in a moment
The sucker had fell,
He filled all our stockings
With pretzels and beer
And a big rubber d***
For my brother the queer,
He rose up the chimney
With a thunderous fart
The son of B****
Blew the chimney apart,
He swore and he cursed
As he road out of sight
Piss on you all
And have a Hell of a Night!

UNIX Airways

Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.

Air DOS

Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on. . .

Mac Airlines

All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.

Windows Air

The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes more...

Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'll be playing in my room for the next two hours. I sure would like a piece of cake when you're finished."

Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Gee, it worked!"

Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"

Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing first!"