Quotes Jokes / Recent Jokes
God grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference...
Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....
Attempt to get a new car for your spouse-it'll be a great trade!
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Everybody repeat after me.....'We are all individuals.'
Death to all fanatics! Guests who kill talk show hosts-On the last Geraldo.
Chastity is curable, if detected early.
Don't be sexist; broads hate that!
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet more...
FLORIDA: If you think we can't vote, wait till you see us drive.
FLORIDA: If you don't like the way we count then take I-95 and visit one of the other 56 states.
FLORIDA: Relax, Retire, Re-vote.
FLORIDA: This is what you get for taking Elian away from us.
FLORIDA: We don't just cheat in football.
FLORIDA: Once is never enough!
FLORIDA: Don't blame me, I voted for Gore, I think.
FLORIDA: Don't blame me, my vote didn't count.
' Ask not for whom the bell tolls, let the machine get it.'
'Procrastination means never having to say you're sorry.'
'Being politically correct means always having to say you're sorry.'
'Here lies Jan Smith, wife of Thomas Smith, marble Cutter. This monument was erected by her husband as a tribute to her memory and a specimen of his work. Monuments of this same style are two hundred and fifty dollars.' (Gravestone Inscription)
'On the other hand, the early worm gets eaten.'
'Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the show?'
'Trust in God, but lock your car.'
'Given a conflict, Murphy's law supercedes Newton's.'
'If you aren't part of the solution, you're a precipitate.'
'To err is human. And stupid.'
'A king's castle is his home.'
'Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow they may cancel your VISA.'
'Work is a fine thing if it doesn't take too more...
He does not have a beer gut; he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
He is not quiet; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.
He is not stupid; he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.
He is not balding; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
He is not afraid of commitment; he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED..
He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has SWINE EMPATHY.
My brother told me I needed to study more on my gardening.
I had a rock garden this year, and one of the rocks died!
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here." I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.