Quotes Jokes / Recent Jokes
Food quotes, quips, and thoughts. . . "Artichokes. .. are just plain annoying. .. After all the trouble you go to, you get about as much actual' food' out of eating an artichoke as you would rom licking thirty or forty postage stamps. Have the shrimp cocktail instead." -- Miss Piggy"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found." --Sam Levinson"This recipe is certainly silly. It says to separate two eggs, but it doesn't say how far to separate them." -- Gracie Allen"I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet." -- Erma Bombeck"I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster." -- Joe E. Lewis"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead -- not sick, not wounded -- more...
These are actual sports quotes said by various people throughout the world. Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too ugly to kiss goodbye."New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:"I want to rush for 1, 000 or 1, 500 yards, whichever comes first." And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the' Skins say "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too." Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up more...
Okay, you've heard of Murphy's famous Law: Everything that can go wrong will go wrong. There are many other related Laws, as well. Here are some:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch. --Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair
Identical parts aren't. --Beach's Law
Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner. --Anthony's Law of the Workshop
Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. --Tussman's Law
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. --Lowery's Law
The solution to a problem changes the problem. --Peer's Law
There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance. --William's Law
Handy Guide to Modern Science: 1. If it's green or it wiggles, it's Biology. 2. If it stinks, it's Chemistry. 3. If it doesn't work, it's Physics.
Machines should work. more...
A Short list of nevers:
Never accept a drink from a urologist. -Erma Bombeck
Never say anything on the phone that you wouldn't want your mother to hear at your trial. -Sydney Biddle Barrows, the' Mayflower Madam'
Never say' Oops' in the operating room. - Dr. Leo Troy
Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words' large' or' size' with' rear end'. Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me on this. -Tim Allen
Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire. -Dan Zevin
Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day. -Harry S. Truman
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with something bigger and heavier. -Anonymous
Never thrust your sickle into another's corn. -Publius Syrus
Never drive through a small Southern town at 100mph with the local sheriff's drunken 16-year-old daughter on your lap. -Anonymous member of a chain gang
Never invoke more...
Passionate kiss, like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.
Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.
War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib but one more...
Funny Quotes About Women
Women truly are better than men. Otherwise, they'd be intolerable. - Ed Abbey
In everything but brains and brawn, women are vastly superior to men. - Ed Abbey
Girls, like flowers, bloom but once. But once is enough. - Edward Abbey
Women who love only women may have a good point. - Edward Abbey
Women: We cannot love them all. But we must try. - Edward Abbey
The feminists have a legitimate grievance. But so does everyone else. - Edward Abbey
Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak. - Woody Allen
Woman: A creature whom a man can't get along with or without. Animal usually living in the vicinity of man, and having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication. - Ambrose Bierce
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. - Dumas
Women! You can't live with them, you can't do most positions without them. - Dan Fielding (from the "Night more...
"Be what you would seem to be" -- or if you'd like it put more simply -- "Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise."
- the Duchess' advice to Alice in chapter 9 of
"Alice's Adventures in Wonderland"