Scotch Jokes / Recent Jokes

Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
Disketts should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shaving can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskette, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the disk to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
Do not fold diskette unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives.
Diskette cannot be backed up by running them through the Xerox machine. If you need to back up your data, simply insert two diskettes into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both diskettes.
Never insert a diskette into a drive upside down. The data can fall off the more...

There was this English Man, Scotch Man and an Irish Man going for a job interview.
They all had there induction exams, and where all called back one at a time.
The English man walks in first, and the interviewer says: "Well, you past your exam with flying colours! But theres one thing I like about a man and thats honesty, so can you notice anything odd about me?"
The English man looks and nods: "Yes, you've got one ear on the top of your head, and one at the side of you head!"
The interviewer was very pleased with the English mans honesty, and sent for the Scott. The interviewer goes through the same routine again and comes to the final question, and the Scott replies: "well, you've got one ear on top of your head and another at the side of you head!"
The interviewer again very pleased with the Sotts honesty sent for the Irish man. The interviewer precedes with the same rigmarole, and comes to the final question "Can you more...

Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives.Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the Xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the drive. more...

A bartender asks a guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?"

"A scotch, please." The guy replied.

The bartender gives him the drink and says, "That's five dollars." "What are you talking about?" the man replies. "I don't owe you anything for this."

The fellow sitting next to him at the bar was a lawyer, who decided to get into the discussion. "You know," he tells the bartender, "he's got you there. In the original offer, constituting a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of payment."

The irritated bartender says to the first guy, "Fine. You beat me for a drink. But I don't ever want to see you in here again."

The following day, the very same guy comes back into the bar. The bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I told you not to come back!"

The guy replies, "What are you talking about? more...

I hate this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and
forced frivolity, but because it's the season when the food police
come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get
through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds.
You can't pick up a magazine without finding a list of holiday
Do's and Don'ts. Eliminate second helpings, high calorie sauces
and cookies made with butter, they say.
Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say.
Good grief. Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a
carrot stick? I didn't think so.
Isn't mine, either. A carrot was something you left for Rudolph.
I have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if
you follow them, you'll be fat and happy. So what if you don't
make if to New Year's? Your pants don't fit anymore, anyway.
1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots
on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the more...

BACON SLICER
A man goes to the Doctor and says that he has a serious sexual problem.
When asked to give details, the man says that for a very long time he has
been wanting to put his penis in the bacon slicer. The doctor is
astounded, and gives the man some pills and instructs him to take one
every day and to then come back and see him in a week. A week later the
man returns and the Doctor asks him how things went, to which the man
replies that he couldn't resist the urge and finally just had to put his
penis in the bacon slicer. A little worried, the Doctor asks to take a look
at the man's penis, but on inspection he can find nothing wrong with it.
"There's nothing wrong with you, what about the bacon slicer?" asks the
Doctor, to which the man replies "I don't know, he ran away!"
GENIE'S WISH

A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how
badly screwed she got over more...

I hate aspects of this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it's the season when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds.1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later then you think. It's Christmas!3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. more...