Scotch Jokes / Recent Jokes

Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives. Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the Xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the drive. more...

A man, feeling very depressed, entered a bar and ordered a triple scotch.
The bartender poured him his drink and remarked, "That's a pretty heavy drink. Is something wrong?"
After quickly downing his drink, the man replied, "When I got home I found my wife having sex with my best friend!"
"Wow!" exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple scotch. "Now I understand why you needed such a stiff drink. The second one's on the house."
The man thanked him and downed his second triple scotch.
"What did you do when you found them?" the bartender asked.
"I walked right over to my wife, looked her straight in the eye, told her we were through, and to pack her stuff and get the hell out of the house," the man replied.
"I guess I would have done the same thing," the bartender said. "What about your friend?"
The man replied, "I walked straight over to him, looked more...

A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch.
The bartender thinks “this guy doesn’t know the difference, ” so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch.
The patron takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo! ”
Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch.
The patron takes a sip…same reaction.
But the bartender still doesn’t believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron.
Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied.
All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching.
He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkedly says:
“Shay mishter, tashte this! ” The patron obliges…he promptly spits it out.
“That tastes like more...

UR MAMMAS SO FAT WHEN SHE PLAYS HOP SCOTCH SHE USES COUNTRYS INSTEAD OF SQUARES !

A sheepdog walks into a bar and sits up at the bar on a barstool. The barman is very confused but decides to serve him anyway.The sheepdog orders a double scotch and the barman says,
"I'm sorry for asking, but can you pay for it?"The dog says yes and reaches into his fur and pulls out his wallet."That will be

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, “What’ll you have? ” The guy answers, “A scotch, please. ” The bartender hands him the drink, and says “That’ll be five dollars, ” to which the guy replies, “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this. ”
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, “You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration. ”
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, “Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again. ”
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, “What the heck are you doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back! ”
The guy says, “What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life! ” The bartender replies, “I’m very sorry, but more...

I hate some things about this time of year. Not the crass
commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it's the season
when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and
annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10
pounds.

You can't pick up a magazine without finding a list of holiday
eating do's and don'ts... eliminate second helpings, high-calorie
sauces and cookies made with butter, they say. Fill up on
vegetable sticks, they say.

Good grief. Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a
carrot stick? I didn't think so. Isn't mine, either. A carrot
is something you leave for Rudolph.

I have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if
you follow them, you'll be fat and happy. So what if you don't
make it to New Year's? Your pants won't fit anymore, anyway.

1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts
carrots on a more...