Side Jokes / Recent Jokes

How did the blonde try to kill the bird... she threw it off of a cliff. How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves... she fell out of the tree. How did the blonde die, drinking milk... the cow stepped on her. How did the blonde burn her nose... bobbing for french fries. Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month... the instructions stated, "good for up to 20 pounds". Why do blondes have see-through lunch box tops... so they can tell if they are going to work or going home, while on the bus. Why do men like blonde jokes... it is one thing they can understand. Why do blondes like lightning... they think someone is taking their picture. Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces... from eating with forks. Why do blondes have more fun... they are easier to keep amused. What do you call a brunette with a blonde on both sides... an interpreter. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer... frosted flakes. What do you call a fly buzzing inside a more...

There was a blonde driving down the road one day on her way to visit some family. She was driving down a country road that came along side a giant wheat field. When she looked over at the wheat field she was shocked to see that there was another blonde out in the wheat field in a row boat. And this woman with oars in hand was vigorously rowing! The blonde woman driving saw this and was pissed! So she stopped her car along side of this wheat field and rolled down her window and yelled out to the blonde in the boat. "You know it's blondes like you who give blondes like me a bad name!" "And if I could swim, I would swim out there and kick your ass!".

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls off of you when you die.
What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances?
Retired.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Six. One to change the bulb and five to write the environmental impact statement.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
1: How many can you afford?
2: It only takes one to change your bulb... to his.
What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
The caterer.
Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever. Many years ago, a junior partner in a firm was sent to a far-away state to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released. Excited about his success, the attorney more...

A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for theevening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go atit.When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and commences to repeat theperformance.The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. Whenfinished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes adeep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumpsback into bed with the hooker and starts again.The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times. Duringthe fifth encore, she decides to try it herself.So when they are done she jumps up, goes to the window and takes adeep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed...and finds fourChinese men.

"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35, 000 feet midway across the Atlantic." If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire." If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off." If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you." That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!"

Douglas Adams:' There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.'

Albert Einstein:' Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.'

Unknown:' Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things.'

Edward P. Tryon:' In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time.'

Max Frisch:' Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it.'

Kilgore Trout:' The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest.'

Woody Allen:' I'm astounded by more...

A group of goose biologists were meeting to brainstorm about the migration tactics of Canada geese. They were particularly interested in applying for a $100,000 Federal grant to investigate the "V" formation of goose flight. It had been observed that one side of the "V" is always longer than the other side. This group would put together a research proposal to apply for the $100,000 grant and hopefully find out why this happens. To start off the discussion, Todd, the Consulting Firm Biologist stands up and says in typical consultant fashion, "I say we ask for $200,000, and attempt to model the wind drag coefficients. We can have our geologists record and map the ground topography and then our staff meteorologists can predict potential updraft currents. Our internal CAD department can then produce 3-d drawings of the predicted wing tip vortices. Then, after several years of study, our in-house publications department could produce a nice thick report full of more...