Size Jokes / Recent Jokes

How To Shower Like A Woman...
* Take off clothing and place it in sectional laundry hamper according
to lights and darks.
* Walk to bathroom wearing long bathrobe. If you see your
boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush
to the bathroom.
* Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut
so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting
fat.
* Get in shower. Look for face-cloth, arm-cloth, leg-cloth, long
loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
* Wash you hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added
vitamins.
* Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added
vitamins.
* Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced
with natural crocus oil. Leave on for 15 minutes.
* Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes
until red and raw.
* Wash entire rest of body more...

Dear [____rejectee's name here_____],
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:
[Check all those that apply]
___ Your breasts are bigger than mine.
___ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.
___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something more...

x17. "I finished the Oreo`s."
16. "Not to imply anything, but I don`t think the kid weighs forty pounds."
15. "Y`know, looking at her, you`d never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby."
14. "I sure hope your thighs aren`t gonna stay that flabby forever."
13. "Well, couldn`t they induce labor? The 25th is the SuperBowl."
12. "Darned if you ain`t about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that`s gotta hurt."
10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
9. "I`m jealous. Why can`t men experience the joy of childbirth?"
8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
7. "Get your *own* ice cream."
6. "Geez, you`re awfully puffy looking today."
5. "Got milk?"
4. "Maybe more...

This is the time of year when we think back to the very first
Christmas, when the Three Wise Men went to see the baby Jesus and,
according to the Book of Matthew, "presented unto Him gifts; gold,
frankincense, and myrrh".

These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we
discover an important theological fact; there is no mention of
wrapping paper.

If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so.

"And lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And the
paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman. And
Joseph was going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him,
she saideth, "Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next
year! And Joseph did rolleth his eyes. And the baby Jesus was
more interested in the paper than, for example, the frankincense."

But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that more...

•Include your children when baking cookies! •Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted•Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says•British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands•Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family. •A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms. •Dinner Special -- Turkey $2. 35; Chicken or Beef $2. 25; Children $2. 00. •For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. •For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar. •Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover. •Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. •Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory•Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night. •We do not tear your clothing with more...

A family in Southern India was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother arrived from USA. It was sent by one of the daughters. The corpse was tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it! When they opened the lid, they found a letter on top, which read as follows:
Dear brothers and sisters,
I am sending our mother's body to you, since it was her wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral
home in Andhra. Sorry, I could not come along, as all of my paid leave has been consumed.
You will find inside the coffin, under Amma's body, 12 cans of cheese, 10 packets of chocolates and 5 packets of Badam. Please divide these among all of you. On Amma's feet, you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes(size 10) for Mohan. Also, there are 2 pairs of shoes for Radha's and Lakshmi's sons. Hope the sizes are correct.
Amma is wearing 6 American T-Shirts. The large size is for Mohan and the others for my nephews. Just istribute them among more...

A little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking at the things she had purchased.

He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "Queen Size".

He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look Grandma, you wear the same size as our bed!"