Size Jokes / Recent Jokes

Name: _______________ Stage name: ________________ Agent: ______________ Attorney: __________________ Sex: ___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female ___both If female, indicate breast implant size: ____ Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___ Please list brand of cell phone: __________________ (If you don't own a cell phone, please explain.) Please check hair color: Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead Please indicate activities you perform while driving: Check all that apply) [ ] Eating [ ] Applying make-up [ ] Talking on the phone [ ] Slapping kids in the back seat [ ] Having sex [ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs [ ] Tanning [X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application) [ ] Watching TV [ ] Reading Variety magazine [ ] Surfing the net via laptop Please indicate how many times a) You expect to shoot at other drivers: _____ b) How more...

This is the time of year when we think back to the very first
Christmas, when the Three Wise Men; Gaspar, Balthazar and Herb,
went to see the baby Jesus and, according to the Book of Matthew,
"presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh."

These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we
discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological fact
there is no mention of wrapping paper.

If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so "And
lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And the
paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman. And
Joseph was going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him,
she saideth,' Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next
year!' And Joseph did rolleth his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus was
more interested in the paper than the frankincense."

But these words do not appear in the more...

17. "I finished the Oreo's." 16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds." 15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby." 14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever." 13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the SuperBowl." 12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella." 11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt." 10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!" 9. "I'm jealous. Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?" 8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?" 7. "Get your *own* ice cream." 6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today." 5. "Got milk?" 4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney." 3. more...

At a Gynecologist convention in Switzerland two gynecologists were talking. One from France says "There was a woman in my office yesterday with a clitoris like a watermelon."

Another one from England says, "That's impossible, if she had a clitoris the size of a watermelon she couldn't walk."

The one from France responded, "You English, always thinking about size. I was talking about taste."

18 things not to say to your pregnant wife.
1. I finished the Oreo's.
2. Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds.
3. Y'know, to look at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!
4. I hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!
5. Darned if you aren't five pounds away from a surprise visit from Richard Simmons.
6. Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt.
7. Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!
8. I'm so jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?
9. Are your ankles supposed to look like that?
10. Get your *own* ice cream.
11. Geez, you look awfully puffy today.
12. Got milk?
13. Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Theresa?
14. Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!
15. Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water...
16. Your stomach sticks out almost more...

*Kissing/Light Petting*
What he hopes you're thinking: "Oh, I can't resist: I'm powerless before your seductive ways!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "Garlic breath-- ewwww!"

*Undressing*
What he hopes you're thinking: "My G-d, look at the size of that!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "My G-d, look at the size of that!"

*Foreplay/Oral Sex*
What he hopes you're thinking: "I could worship at the alter of your impressive manhood for hours."
What he's afraid you're thinking: "If he doesn't warn me before he cums, I'm going to kill him."

*Penetration*
What he hopes you're thinking: "You stallion, you're splitting me in half!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "Is it in yet?"

*Your Orgasm*
What he hopes you're thinking: "Yes, (his name here), yes!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "I deserve an more...

I see by the size of your member
You're as hot as a blazing coal ember!
So slicken that mast -
And hon, make it fast -
This girl's not been poked since December!